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recent comments

mjp said: I'm, uh, working on it. Right now. ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!

shane said: michael phillips,you are a fuckin madman,post yer next story... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!

mjp said: Yes, that is a potential problem for people in 10,001. I often worry about... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this...

damian said: indeed. ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this...

Scott h Florance said: The Christians believe Jesus Christ tis immortal and he lives forever. It is... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this...

mjp said: Isn't there a NASCAR or gun or fishing or tabakky-chewing site you can go... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead

Andrew Olin Jones said: Hillbilly said you might turn off the smog but I don't want you to do that... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead

mjp said: My childhood box? I don't think anyone wants to open that... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!

previous ramblings

• I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead 2.18.08

• Simple is as simple does 1.31.08

• I feel the earthworms under my feet 1.22.08

• New boots and panties 1.19.08

• I haven't given up, I've just stopped trying 12.25.07

• I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons. 12.20.07

• So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night 9.19.07

• Grab the closet case by the horns 8.11.07

• Blogged down in the forum of my youth 5.23.07

• Hotter than July 5.16.07

• 26 Miles Across the Deep Blue Sea 5.11.07

• A rose by any other name, still doesn't smell so good 4.6.07

• Children of a lesser dog from hell 2.22.07

• Squid lights 1.9.07

• Cats and dogs 12.19.06

• Mission accomplished! 11.22.06

• Various tidbits of marginal interest to anyone 11.9.06

• Buddy, can you spare a town? 10.16.06

• A garbage can is somewhat precise. 10.6.06

• Another cantankerous rant - surprise! 9.25.06

• Hey, where you been? 9.1.06

• Geeeeeeee mail, @smog.net 7.27.06

• Oh good lord, it's a kid's show 7.22.06

• Sleeping dogs 6.28.06

• Dumb and dumber 6.21.06

• HDTV for $150! 5.16.06

• Thank you for calling the White House. My name is Krishna, how may I be providing you excellent service today? 4.28.06

• Decades and bits of centuries 4.24.06

• Secret Society 3.22.06

• Sometimes I don't speak right, but yet I know what I'm talking about 3.20.06

• This is the modern world 3.15.06

• Shakespeare never did this 2.18.06

• Who is Lonnie Tolliver, and why should you care? 1.27.06

• Scuttlebutt and innuendo 1.16.06

• Beware the fury of a patient man 1.6.06

• I feel 100 pounds lighter already... 12.30.05

• Dude! Your wiki is showing... 12.20.05

• Yeti spotted, film at 11! 12.19.05

• "God is a concept by which we measure our pain." 12.9.05

• Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... 12.8.05

• Hey, what's with the torn up clothes, and didn't you have a shag haircut last week? 12.5.05

• Shameless self-promotion or a desperate cry for love? You decide. 11.18.05

• Further proof that drinking will kill you 11.6.05

• Big Apple dreamin' on a wooden floor 11.1.05

• Happy birthday to smog. Now where's my cake? 10.16.05

• I got nothing 10.4.05

• free within my own doom 9.25.05

• A Rambling Essay on Politics and the Bleeding Life Written While Drinking a Six-Pack (Tall) 9.12.05

• (There's Gonna Be A) Showdown 8.31.05

• Well, could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? 8.28.05

• What has four wheels and flies? 8.21.05

• Don't think twice, it's all right 8.13.05

• My ass is getting cold sitting on this glacier... 8.11.05

• Capital radio 8.11.05

• nobody's fault 7.23.05

• secret santa 7.3.05

• everything we touch turns to rust 6.21.05

• on the edge of seventeen 6.13.05

• life at 300 baud 6.9.05

• 12 steps away from the screen, running 6.5.05

• shake a leg 6.5.05

• san pedro anarchy press, Inc. 5.22.05

• Z is for zealot 5.20.05

• Lenny Bruce was right 5.16.05

• bad meat in the can 5.12.05

• it's in the water 5.12.05

• you tell me 5.10.05

• what matters most is how well you're lit 5.5.05

• just keep pulling the handle, it'll all be over soon 5.3.05

• rust never sleeps 4.24.05

• randomness, chaos and deliverance 4.21.05

• baby was a black sheep, baby was a whore 4.20.05

• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? 4.16.05

• roses are red, violets are blue, i thought my hell had ended, but the devil is a crafty bastard with a sick sense of humor and a mean streak a mile wide 4.14.05

• rock the cash bar 4.12.05

• many rivers to cross 4.10.05

• imitation is the sincerest form of unoriginality 4.8.05

• if you are the big tree, we are the small axe! 4.8.05

• give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine 4.4.05

• and who the hell figured QWERTY was a good idea? 4.4.05

• your pope was nothing compared to this guy! 4.3.05

• you've got a TV...i've got a TV...we've all got TV's... 3.29.05

• hitler painted roses 3.26.05

• counselor 3.25.05

• she's still here, damn it! 3.21.05

• patience is a virtue, but resignation is for suckers. 3.13.05

• should have taken mom up on those violin lessons... 3.9.05

• last night a dj saved my life! yeah, maaaaan! 3.9.05

• if i had a hammer... 3.8.05

• caveman re-invents the wheel! film at 11. 3.7.05

• he's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! 3.4.05

• this is a public service announcement - with guitar! 3.2.05

• battlefield girth 2.28.05

• never give a media giant an even break 2.25.05

• 10 Things I've done that you haven't 2.24.05

• come back, bastard! 2.23.05

• hey, just because he likes Judy Garland records and the Tony awards doesn't necessarily mean anything... 2.23.05

• "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." 2.21.05

• I couldn't say it if it wasn't true 2.17.05

• The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." 2.11.05

• how to lose 10 pounds in five minutes! 2.6.05

• earth to smog, earth to smog 2.5.05

• my own private chernobyl... 2.2.05

• Estoy solo, pero siento que tu estas conmigo. 1.26.05

• confessions of an obsessive freak of nature 1.5.05

• death wants more death 12.30.04

• every mikkle make a muckle (ask a Jamaican what it means) 12.17.04

• things that don't suck 12.15.04

• what's it all about, mjp? 11.11.04

• old dog, new tricks 9.2.04

• if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all 8.15.04

• Frida Kahlo, Charles Bukowski and Joel-Peter Witkin have left the building 2.13.03

• R.I.P. smog.net 5.19.04

• almost cut my hair...it happened just the other day 4.23.04

• and we're back! 4.22.04

• one cocoa full a basket 2.14.04

• let's get ready to rumble 1.24.04

• brace yourself for a shitstorm 1.6.04

• it's my party, i'll o.d. if i want to 12.6.03

• pimp-a-licious 11.27.03

• on a clear day you can see the 18th century 11.9.03

• men are from mars, women are from vegas 10.14.03

• hit and run walker 10.6.03

• It's all cow, after all 10.2.03

• Johnny Cash is dead, Tower records is bankrupt, gawd save the fucking Queen. 9.13.03

• any history of mental illness? 9.10.03

• boggle: to hesitate as if in fear or doubt. 9.6.03

• pass the aspirin 8.27.03

• this is what i get for leaving the house 7.21.03

• safety in numbers 7.13.03

• god damn 7.11.03

• a million and one stupid things... 6.6.03

• praise Jeebus! 5.23.03

• Kennedy to John Lydon; "Oh, lighten up!" 5.20.03

• they say the French are cowards and assholes... 5.2.03

• I couldn't possibly be *that* fat! 4.19.03

• what's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding? 3.22.03

• this skunk's for you 3.12.03

• Monday's coming like a jail on wheels 2.24.03

• linux, linus, lomax, duck! 2.20.03

• FREE MICHAEL JACKSON! 2.18.03

• the weather in Los Angeles is cloudy 2.13.03

©1995-2008 mjp

secret santa
Sunday, July 3rd 2005, 4:07am

i walked out to get the mail today, and out of the corner of my eye noticed that something didn't seem quite right.

most of us don't pay much attention to our surroundings, since for the most part we see the same tired crap every day. so when something has changed, it can pop right out at you. and today something was definitely popping out at me from the side of the house. someone had propped something up against one of the big fan palms.

the side of our house is on a somewhat busy street, with a lot of foot traffic heading toward the park. so it isn't unusual to find weird trash in the yard (or to have people walk right up to the house and dig through our trash cans), but this was more than just weird trash. i walked over kind of slowly - because you know, it could have been an Al Qaeda bomb or something - and snuck up on what i thought may have been a discarded doll. but on closer inspection it turned out to be Santa Claus.

secret santa

my first instinct was to drag santa to the trash can, but i came in to get Carol instead, because it seemed like something she should see. when i told her i was going to dump it, she said it should stay where it was. she was right, of course, so we left it there to greet the holiday weekend passersby.

i live in an area that is typically out of control on the fourth of july. the first year we lived here we thought the drunken neighborhood was conspiring as a group to burn down our house with various explosives and flaming soccer-ball sized projectiles. we now understand that this is normal behavior on the fourth, and don't take the small yard fires personally.

but today was kind of weird. the day started out overcast and foggy, and it looked like no one was going to show up for the first day of the long weekend. it was nerve-rackingly quiet all morning, and then i went out to find Santa Claus in the yard, which only added to the overall off-kilter feel of the day.

people say, "how can you live in San Pedro? it's so far away from everything!" which is bullshit, really. we're no further away from anything than anyplace else in Los Angeles. but i gladly perpetuate the myth that San Pedro is very far away and very dangerous, and, you know, for your own good you should probably stay away.

because it's easily the most beautiful, freaky, awe-inspiringly cool place i've ever lived. and i don't want the likes of you poking around, moving in, and fucking that up!

so here's to the San Pedro fourth of july Santa Claus! a perfect, kismet-like symbol for the fourth of july. wave your flag, show your Santa, blow shit up --- it's all good.

on Saturday, July 23rd 2005 at 4:14pm, Hillbilly Jones said:
It's obviously a Santa imposter. In fact, Santa doesn't exist. It's not in the dictionary, english or spanish.

His name is Bobby, and he's tired of selling cars and screwing his sister-in-law on Sunday afternoons at her office by the railroad tracks across from the cafe with the dog outside.

In the middle of his middle life crisis he finds himself propped up against a plam tree in a Santa suit with a funny aftertaste in his mouth. Talk about dawning one's gay apparal," sheesh!

Nobody notices a Santa in July, even in L.A., unless they play bass guitar for aging, whiskered, rock and roll Has Beens with tiny thin mustaches and Aqua Velva on their breath.