| recent comments mjp said: I'm, uh, working on it. Right now. ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! shane said: michael phillips,you are a fuckin madman,post yer next story... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! mjp said: Yes, that is a potential problem for people in 10,001. I often worry about... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... damian said: indeed. ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... Scott h Florance said: The Christians believe Jesus Christ tis immortal and he lives forever. It is... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... mjp said: Isn't there a NASCAR or gun or fishing or tabakky-chewing site you can go... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead Andrew Olin Jones said: Hillbilly said you might turn off the smog but I don't want you to do that... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead mjp said: My childhood box? I don't think anyone wants to open that... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!   previous ramblings • I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead 2.18.08 • Simple is as simple does 1.31.08 • I feel the earthworms under my feet 1.22.08 • New boots and panties 1.19.08 • I haven't given up, I've just stopped trying 12.25.07 • I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons. 12.20.07 • So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night 9.19.07 • Grab the closet case by the horns 8.11.07 • Blogged down in the forum of my youth 5.23.07 • Hotter than July 5.16.07 • 26 Miles Across the Deep Blue Sea 5.11.07 • A rose by any other name, still doesn't smell so good 4.6.07 • Children of a lesser dog from hell 2.22.07 • Squid lights 1.9.07 • Cats and dogs 12.19.06 • Mission accomplished! 11.22.06 • Various tidbits of marginal interest to anyone 11.9.06 • Buddy, can you spare a town? 10.16.06 • A garbage can is somewhat precise. 10.6.06 • Another cantankerous rant - surprise! 9.25.06 • Hey, where you been? 9.1.06 • Geeeeeeee mail, @smog.net 7.27.06 • Oh good lord, it's a kid's show 7.22.06 • Sleeping dogs 6.28.06 • Dumb and dumber 6.21.06 • HDTV for $150! 5.16.06 • Thank you for calling the White House. My name is Krishna, how may I be providing you excellent service today? 4.28.06 • Decades and bits of centuries 4.24.06 • Secret Society 3.22.06 • Sometimes I don't speak right, but yet I know what I'm talking about 3.20.06 • This is the modern world 3.15.06 • Shakespeare never did this 2.18.06 • Who is Lonnie Tolliver, and why should you care? 1.27.06 • Scuttlebutt and innuendo 1.16.06 • Beware the fury of a patient man 1.6.06 • I feel 100 pounds lighter already... 12.30.05 • Dude! Your wiki is showing... 12.20.05 • Yeti spotted, film at 11! 12.19.05 • "God is a concept by which we measure our pain." 12.9.05 • Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... 12.8.05 • Hey, what's with the torn up clothes, and didn't you have a shag haircut last week? 12.5.05 • Shameless self-promotion or a desperate cry for love? You decide. 11.18.05 • Further proof that drinking will kill you 11.6.05 • Big Apple dreamin' on a wooden floor 11.1.05 • Happy birthday to smog. Now where's my cake? 10.16.05 • I got nothing 10.4.05 • free within my own doom 9.25.05 • A Rambling Essay on Politics and the Bleeding Life Written While Drinking a Six-Pack (Tall) 9.12.05 • (There's Gonna Be A) Showdown 8.31.05 • Well, could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? 8.28.05 • What has four wheels and flies? 8.21.05 • Don't think twice, it's all right 8.13.05 • My ass is getting cold sitting on this glacier... 8.11.05 • Capital radio 8.11.05 • nobody's fault 7.23.05 • secret santa 7.3.05 • everything we touch turns to rust 6.21.05 • on the edge of seventeen 6.13.05 • life at 300 baud 6.9.05 • 12 steps away from the screen, running 6.5.05 • shake a leg 6.5.05 • san pedro anarchy press, Inc. 5.22.05 • Z is for zealot 5.20.05 • Lenny Bruce was right 5.16.05 • bad meat in the can 5.12.05 • it's in the water 5.12.05 • you tell me 5.10.05 • what matters most is how well you're lit 5.5.05 • just keep pulling the handle, it'll all be over soon 5.3.05 • rust never sleeps 4.24.05 • randomness, chaos and deliverance 4.21.05 • baby was a black sheep, baby was a whore 4.20.05 • Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? 4.16.05 • roses are red, violets are blue, i thought my hell had ended, but the devil is a crafty bastard with a sick sense of humor and a mean streak a mile wide 4.14.05 • rock the cash bar 4.12.05 • many rivers to cross 4.10.05 • imitation is the sincerest form of unoriginality 4.8.05 • if you are the big tree, we are the small axe! 4.8.05 • give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine 4.4.05 • and who the hell figured QWERTY was a good idea? 4.4.05 • your pope was nothing compared to this guy! 4.3.05 • you've got a TV...i've got a TV...we've all got TV's... 3.29.05 • hitler painted roses 3.26.05 • counselor 3.25.05 • she's still here, damn it! 3.21.05 • patience is a virtue, but resignation is for suckers. 3.13.05 • should have taken mom up on those violin lessons... 3.9.05 • last night a dj saved my life! yeah, maaaaan! 3.9.05 • if i had a hammer... 3.8.05 • caveman re-invents the wheel! film at 11. 3.7.05 • he's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! 3.4.05 • this is a public service announcement - with guitar! 3.2.05 • battlefield girth 2.28.05 • never give a media giant an even break 2.25.05 • 10 Things I've done that you haven't 2.24.05 • come back, bastard! 2.23.05 • hey, just because he likes Judy Garland records and the Tony awards doesn't necessarily mean anything... 2.23.05 • "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." 2.21.05 • I couldn't say it if it wasn't true 2.17.05 • The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." 2.11.05 • how to lose 10 pounds in five minutes! 2.6.05 • earth to smog, earth to smog 2.5.05 • my own private chernobyl... 2.2.05 • Estoy solo, pero siento que tu estas conmigo. 1.26.05 • confessions of an obsessive freak of nature 1.5.05 • death wants more death 12.30.04 • every mikkle make a muckle (ask a Jamaican what it means) 12.17.04 • things that don't suck 12.15.04 • what's it all about, mjp? 11.11.04 • old dog, new tricks 9.2.04 • if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all 8.15.04 • Frida Kahlo, Charles Bukowski and Joel-Peter Witkin have left the building 2.13.03 • R.I.P. smog.net 5.19.04 • almost cut my hair...it happened just the other day 4.23.04 • and we're back! 4.22.04 • one cocoa full a basket 2.14.04 • let's get ready to rumble 1.24.04 • brace yourself for a shitstorm 1.6.04 • it's my party, i'll o.d. if i want to 12.6.03 • pimp-a-licious 11.27.03 • on a clear day you can see the 18th century 11.9.03 • men are from mars, women are from vegas 10.14.03 • hit and run walker 10.6.03 • It's all cow, after all 10.2.03 • Johnny Cash is dead, Tower records is bankrupt, gawd save the fucking Queen. 9.13.03 • any history of mental illness? 9.10.03 • boggle: to hesitate as if in fear or doubt. 9.6.03 • pass the aspirin 8.27.03 • this is what i get for leaving the house 7.21.03 • safety in numbers 7.13.03 • god damn 7.11.03 • a million and one stupid things... 6.6.03 • praise Jeebus! 5.23.03 • Kennedy to John Lydon; "Oh, lighten up!" 5.20.03 • they say the French are cowards and assholes... 5.2.03 • I couldn't possibly be *that* fat! 4.19.03 • what's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding? 3.22.03 • this skunk's for you 3.12.03 • Monday's coming like a jail on wheels 2.24.03 • linux, linus, lomax, duck! 2.20.03 • FREE MICHAEL JACKSON! 2.18.03 • the weather in Los Angeles is cloudy 2.13.03 ©1995-2008 mjp | hitler painted roses Saturday, March 26th 2005, 2:10am i conducted a poll today as i drove through the intersection of La Cienega and Pico at about 6pm. there were a couple dozen people on the corners waving flags and holding up signs that said, "HONK FOR PEACE!" now, it sounded to me as if everyone was honking their car horns, which leads me to believe that americans, as a group, are in favor of peace. that is empirical data, but it is nebulous, because peace can mean different things to different people.  to some people, peace may mean the lack of stress, obligation or distraction. while to others, it may mean the lack of conflict or war. i think it's safe to assume that very few people would stand on a busy corner holding up a sign asking you to honk if your life was free of stress, obligation or distraction. so therefore it is logical to conclude that those honking their SUV horns were expressing their support for the lack of conflict or war. this being america, the only war i could think of that we are currently involved in is taking place in iraq. so the obvious conclusion is that all americans want to see an end to the war in iraq. in addition, i conclude that the "ribbon" stickers and magnets reading, "SUPPORT OUR TROOPS" that one can see affixed to the back of some automobiles, are similarly expressing the driver's desire for the war in iraq to end. after all, how better to support someone than to remove them from harm's way? see kids, research is fun! you can come to your very own scientific conclusions while driving, eating dinner, taking a shit, running a cable news network, radio station or even being senior advisor and chief political strategist to the president of the united states. anyone can do it! and the best part of it is, no matter what conclusion you come to, half of the people in the country will think you're a genius! think about it; if half of america thinks you're a genius, that's 150 million people, which is a lot of people to have on your side. of course, it's not enough people to defeat a few thousand fundamentalists in another country, but it's enough for a heck of a game of flag football out on the cape this summer! tally ho! on Tuesday, May 2nd 2006 at 11:25pm, Hillbilly Jones said: I didn't know where to post this so Hitler planted roses sounded appropriate. I love those pictures when the site loads. Where'd you find doozies like that? Inquiring hillbillys wanna know, including Grandma Donnetta Clarice Jones. She can't type but she's smoked for 70 years, including a pipe the last 30 since the doctor told her to slow down. on Wednesday, May 3rd 2006 at 9:57am, mjp said: Well, it's fine that you posted this question here, because this entry is still relevant. Hopefully if someone reads it in five years we won't still be sending our youngsters over to Iraq and Afghanistan to kill and be killed for NO GOD DAMNED REASON. As for the pictures, they come from all over. yard sales, abandoned houses, eBay - I snagged a lot of them off of eBay over the years. I was at the Brewery "art walk" last year in downtown Los Angeles, and there was a joint there that was selling found photos like these as "ART" for something like $150 a pop. I thought to myself, "You cynical, post-modern scumbags!" Then I thought, "why didn't I think of that?!" So there you have it. on Monday, May 8th 2006 at 2:47pm, slim said: well, Iraq for NO GOD DAMNED REASON, i'll give ya that, but maybe not Afghanistan. still looking for binladen! ha ha on Thursday, May 11th 2006 at 3:07am, Hillbilly Jones said: I tried to post a link to a vintage photo site that charges two bucks per picture but I got punished and now I know why you took off the links but isn't that like Hitler when one prisoner broke the rules he cut off everybody's nuts? One fucker throws a spit wad on the black board and the whole fucking class has to stay after school. dubya dubya dubya donsvintagephotos dot com wink wink on Thursday, May 11th 2006 at 9:28am, mjp said: There you go, you figured out how to post a link that really isn't a link. Yeah, it is punishing everyone because of a handful of assholes, but it's better than punishing myself. They were dropping hundreds of posts in here a day. You didn't see most of them because I was always deleting deleting deleting deleting, and son, that ain't a fit hobby for man nor beast! on Sunday, May 14th 2006 at 12:38am, Hillbilly Jones said: Dozens would be bad enough, but hundreds would drive a man insane. Here's an idea if bots are posting the spam links. Put back the field for links but type something--a letter or any character--at the beginning. That way, anybody who wants to post a link will be forced to delete the character that you've put there by default. on Monday, May 15th 2006 at 10:33am, mjp said: Well, I blocked them in a different way, and I could return the ability to post links, but I think it's fine the way it is. It's been three or four days without one idiot spam, so I think I'll leave well enough alone. on Tuesday, May 16th 2006 at 11:52pm, Hillbilly Jones said: boo hiss If I was runnin? this site I probably would have blocked the spam fucks long before your patience ran out, so my following thoughts is like me preaching to my little 15-year old nephew, Billy Jackson Jones, about the evils of marijuana with a beer in my hand. It's still a sad day in Booger Holler to be linkless. In a way, it's like you're forced to be George Bush and Jerry Fallwell and Robert Tilton and Benny Hinn and that Miller boy that shot a dozen dogs up there in Cave City just cause he wanted to, all rolled up into one. If I could write my tone wouldn?t be lost in print, but it is. So I don't mean comparing you to George Bush and Jerry Fallwell and Robert Tilton and Benny Hinn and that Miller boy that shot a dozen dogs up there in Cave City just cause he wanted to in an insulting way. Google makes me type in a five digit number when I want to do some things. Make people who access the site write a 500 word essay on why they want to walk in the door. The Mrs. doesn't think that will work. Little Hillary, though, just skipped by and stopped beside me like a little girl with an ice cream cone except Hillary didn't have an ice cream cone. I was reading HDTV for $150. She said, ?Hey, look! He?s using capital letters now! He must be feeling better about himself! I?m glad!? And then I remembered. Then she went into the kitchen for some water. Hillary is twelve years old and drinks ONLY WATER. She loves it when we ?let her? come clean our house. It?s her favorite thing on a Saturday morning. When they lived with us for a few months she had two friends over to spend the night on a Saturday. Hillary made us promise to not do the dishes so she and her friends would have something fun to do. ?Tell him I said I?m glad he?s using capital letters! OK?? She open her bottled water and giggled when our dog, Carson, tried to hump her sister?s boyfriend, Jimmy Don Cook, as they walked through the den. Jimmy Don?s face turned red and we think we heard him accidentally fart when he tried to shake Carson off his leg. Breanna just stood there and waited either for Carson to get off or for Carson to GET OFF, so to speak. ?OK, Hillary.? I will. Hillary is glad you?re using capital letters now and the Mrs. told me to ?get over the links.? on Wednesday, May 17th 2006 at 1:45am, mjp said: Tell Hillary thanks, but I'm afraid that the credit has to go to Carol http://smog.net/whatsnew/index.php/99 on Wednesday, May 17th 2006 at 1:48am, mjp said: Yes, I can post links. It's good to be king. on Friday, May 19th 2006 at 10:15pm, Hillbilly Jones said: It's good to be king...for the king, that is. That's why "hands off government" is in our best interest in the long run. Yes, we have monkeys like George Dubya to put up with; but throwing the baby out with the bath water always hurts the baby. Didn't mean to get off on that. The Mrs. and I checked out My Space Dot Com a couple of nights ago. Dang, I'm tell ya, it's quite a party at that place. on Friday, June 2nd 2006 at 10:03pm, Hillbilly Jones said: I couldn't agree with you more, Dimitr. on Saturday, June 3rd 2006 at 12:33am, mjp said: Dimitir is an ignorant, cocksucking spammer who is too stupid to realize his links aren't being posted. Other than that, he's a great guy. on Saturday, June 3rd 2006 at 1:10am, damian said: hey michael (mike?) send me an email. tell me what's going on. remember the good ol' days? i'll reply. let's shoot the shit about Buk. ignore all this bullshit about spammers and whatnot. anyhow, damian PS - ever heard of the poem "Aubade" by Philip Larkin? just discovered it. really good. really god. on Sunday, June 4th 2006 at 12:51am, Hillbilly Jones said: Me and the Mrs. was playin? backgammon on Yahoo and I beat this guy from Mexico 14 games in a row. He kept cussing me in Spanish. I used an online spanish to english translator, the Babel Fish Translator. He tole me I was lucky about twenty times and said he?d fucked my sister six times in a row. He must have copied and pasted it because it banged it out quickly one time right after the other. His online name was aceofaces7. So after he finally won one he lost the next five. His buddies came in the room and watched for the longest time. Pedro and Ledro and Monerrey Jack (no kin to the cheese), and they sat around and made lewd comments about how bad I was playing. And I was beating their buddy like with a hammer in one hand and a torch in the other. But they kept cussing me. I was just lucky, that was all. So I finally switch to the english to spanish part and told them all that nobody had fucked my sister in thiry years, so I sure as hell knew none of them had. And when they had time would they all please lick my ass. They got quiet for a while. And now you tell me that I was conversing with a spammer? Well don?t that beat all? No wonder he listened so carefully. babelfish dot altavista dot com forwardslash tr on Tuesday, June 20th 2006 at 4:11pm, Hillbilly Jones said: These spam fucks suck but that's the way it is. I'm choosing to view them as a line in a poem which consists of the contents of each page. The Mrs. doesn't get that, but there's a lot she and I don't get between each other. Modeen Johnson, who lives about five acres away, came by a few minutes ago. She'd never seen a computer up close before, until today. She had a TV for a few years but all she could get was that lefty station out of Russelleville that showed men holding hands but nobody was throwing anything at them. Nobody sews a nicer quilt than Modeen, except maybe my cousin, Nakita Cook. Nakita?s husband, Leon Cook, is a Bukowski fan but for the all the wrong reasons. He has a book, ?Surviving Bukowski: The Relationship Between Ann Menebroker and Charles Bukowski.? Ms. Menebroker autographed it too. He keeps it in a plasic bag in his basement, along with his pistol collection and takes it out every now and then and smells it. It?s kind of funny, he takes you down to his basement to show it to you and with eyes closed he takes a huge whiff of it right there in front of you and he does it when the kids are with us too but nobody says anything to him except, ?Yeah, that?s real nice Leon.? When he does that it?s kind of like the spam fucks. It?s like, what the fuck did you have to do that for again? on Monday, June 26th 2006 at 4:13pm, Hillbilly Jones said: What the fuck did you have to do that for again? You scum sucking, dog fucking, lower than catfish balls, spam fuck devil. on Tuesday, June 27th 2006 at 2:42pm, Hillbilly Jones said: Oh, that was a cute trick, mjp. You took out Dimitr's last blank post so now it looks like my 6/26 post was rambling psycho babble aimed at my 6/20 post. One thing about living WAY BACK in the holler is that although broadband is accessible, the invention of mental illness hasn't found us yet. We just say, "He ain't right" and people understand. They don't say that about o'l Hillbilly, yet. I know these things because a voice in my head tells me when people are talking about me. on Wednesday, June 28th 2006 at 1:56am, mjp said: Dimitr seems to be retarded. Or more likely, he's paid $1 or a Ruble or some Bhat to type shit into forms all night, and even if his post here is empty, he gets credit. I hope Dimitr and his employers choke on rotten chicken livers - or whatever other kind of three-days-in-the-trunk-of-the-Trabant bullshit they eat - and die slowly and painfully in puddles of their own shit and vomit. They can't spam here so now they send thousands of spam emails and links through the contact form. Of course they're too monumentally stupid to realize that it just goes to a junk folder in an email account. Frustrated, they are. Don't it make you want to cry? on Wednesday, June 28th 2006 at 10:27am, mjp said: See what I mean? on Thursday, June 29th 2006 at 1:52am, Hillbilly Jones said: Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. I?d like the chance to keep Dimitr from drowning by taking my boot off his head, but since we don?t usually stray far from the holler I?ll chalk it up as missed opportunity . It?s scum fucks like him that are factored into the price of goods and services of technology. I?d like to vomit on his toothbrush. I?d like to fuck his sister and then tell him about it; and then ask him to smell my finger as I take it out of a plastic sandwich bag. Dimitr, you evil bastard. You weaken the community. And your mama?s so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater. I don?t wanna fuck her, though. Unless she?s good looking. smog.blog powered by buddy V2.0 |