| recent comments mjp said: I'm, uh, working on it. Right now. ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! shane said: michael phillips,you are a fuckin madman,post yer next story... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! mjp said: Yes, that is a potential problem for people in 10,001. I often worry about... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... damian said: indeed. ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... Scott h Florance said: The Christians believe Jesus Christ tis immortal and he lives forever. It is... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... mjp said: Isn't there a NASCAR or gun or fishing or tabakky-chewing site you can go... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead Andrew Olin Jones said: Hillbilly said you might turn off the smog but I don't want you to do that... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead mjp said: My childhood box? I don't think anyone wants to open that... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!   previous ramblings • I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead 2.18.08 • Simple is as simple does 1.31.08 • I feel the earthworms under my feet 1.22.08 • New boots and panties 1.19.08 • I haven't given up, I've just stopped trying 12.25.07 • I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons. 12.20.07 • So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night 9.19.07 • Grab the closet case by the horns 8.11.07 • Blogged down in the forum of my youth 5.23.07 • Hotter than July 5.16.07 • 26 Miles Across the Deep Blue Sea 5.11.07 • A rose by any other name, still doesn't smell so good 4.6.07 • Children of a lesser dog from hell 2.22.07 • Squid lights 1.9.07 • Cats and dogs 12.19.06 • Mission accomplished! 11.22.06 • Various tidbits of marginal interest to anyone 11.9.06 • Buddy, can you spare a town? 10.16.06 • A garbage can is somewhat precise. 10.6.06 • Another cantankerous rant - surprise! 9.25.06 • Hey, where you been? 9.1.06 • Geeeeeeee mail, @smog.net 7.27.06 • Oh good lord, it's a kid's show 7.22.06 • Sleeping dogs 6.28.06 • Dumb and dumber 6.21.06 • HDTV for $150! 5.16.06 • Thank you for calling the White House. My name is Krishna, how may I be providing you excellent service today? 4.28.06 • Decades and bits of centuries 4.24.06 • Secret Society 3.22.06 • Sometimes I don't speak right, but yet I know what I'm talking about 3.20.06 • This is the modern world 3.15.06 • Shakespeare never did this 2.18.06 • Who is Lonnie Tolliver, and why should you care? 1.27.06 • Scuttlebutt and innuendo 1.16.06 • Beware the fury of a patient man 1.6.06 • I feel 100 pounds lighter already... 12.30.05 • Dude! Your wiki is showing... 12.20.05 • Yeti spotted, film at 11! 12.19.05 • "God is a concept by which we measure our pain." 12.9.05 • Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... 12.8.05 • Hey, what's with the torn up clothes, and didn't you have a shag haircut last week? 12.5.05 • Shameless self-promotion or a desperate cry for love? You decide. 11.18.05 • Further proof that drinking will kill you 11.6.05 • Big Apple dreamin' on a wooden floor 11.1.05 • Happy birthday to smog. Now where's my cake? 10.16.05 • I got nothing 10.4.05 • free within my own doom 9.25.05 • A Rambling Essay on Politics and the Bleeding Life Written While Drinking a Six-Pack (Tall) 9.12.05 • (There's Gonna Be A) Showdown 8.31.05 • Well, could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? 8.28.05 • What has four wheels and flies? 8.21.05 • Don't think twice, it's all right 8.13.05 • My ass is getting cold sitting on this glacier... 8.11.05 • Capital radio 8.11.05 • nobody's fault 7.23.05 • secret santa 7.3.05 • everything we touch turns to rust 6.21.05 • on the edge of seventeen 6.13.05 • life at 300 baud 6.9.05 • 12 steps away from the screen, running 6.5.05 • shake a leg 6.5.05 • san pedro anarchy press, Inc. 5.22.05 • Z is for zealot 5.20.05 • Lenny Bruce was right 5.16.05 • bad meat in the can 5.12.05 • it's in the water 5.12.05 • you tell me 5.10.05 • what matters most is how well you're lit 5.5.05 • just keep pulling the handle, it'll all be over soon 5.3.05 • rust never sleeps 4.24.05 • randomness, chaos and deliverance 4.21.05 • baby was a black sheep, baby was a whore 4.20.05 • Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? 4.16.05 • roses are red, violets are blue, i thought my hell had ended, but the devil is a crafty bastard with a sick sense of humor and a mean streak a mile wide 4.14.05 • rock the cash bar 4.12.05 • many rivers to cross 4.10.05 • imitation is the sincerest form of unoriginality 4.8.05 • if you are the big tree, we are the small axe! 4.8.05 • give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine 4.4.05 • and who the hell figured QWERTY was a good idea? 4.4.05 • your pope was nothing compared to this guy! 4.3.05 • you've got a TV...i've got a TV...we've all got TV's... 3.29.05 • hitler painted roses 3.26.05 • counselor 3.25.05 • she's still here, damn it! 3.21.05 • patience is a virtue, but resignation is for suckers. 3.13.05 • should have taken mom up on those violin lessons... 3.9.05 • last night a dj saved my life! yeah, maaaaan! 3.9.05 • if i had a hammer... 3.8.05 • caveman re-invents the wheel! film at 11. 3.7.05 • he's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! 3.4.05 • this is a public service announcement - with guitar! 3.2.05 • battlefield girth 2.28.05 • never give a media giant an even break 2.25.05 • 10 Things I've done that you haven't 2.24.05 • come back, bastard! 2.23.05 • hey, just because he likes Judy Garland records and the Tony awards doesn't necessarily mean anything... 2.23.05 • "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." 2.21.05 • I couldn't say it if it wasn't true 2.17.05 • The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." 2.11.05 • how to lose 10 pounds in five minutes! 2.6.05 • earth to smog, earth to smog 2.5.05 • my own private chernobyl... 2.2.05 • Estoy solo, pero siento que tu estas conmigo. 1.26.05 • confessions of an obsessive freak of nature 1.5.05 • death wants more death 12.30.04 • every mikkle make a muckle (ask a Jamaican what it means) 12.17.04 • things that don't suck 12.15.04 • what's it all about, mjp? 11.11.04 • old dog, new tricks 9.2.04 • if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all 8.15.04 • Frida Kahlo, Charles Bukowski and Joel-Peter Witkin have left the building 2.13.03 • R.I.P. smog.net 5.19.04 • almost cut my hair...it happened just the other day 4.23.04 • and we're back! 4.22.04 • one cocoa full a basket 2.14.04 • let's get ready to rumble 1.24.04 • brace yourself for a shitstorm 1.6.04 • it's my party, i'll o.d. if i want to 12.6.03 • pimp-a-licious 11.27.03 • on a clear day you can see the 18th century 11.9.03 • men are from mars, women are from vegas 10.14.03 • hit and run walker 10.6.03 • It's all cow, after all 10.2.03 • Johnny Cash is dead, Tower records is bankrupt, gawd save the fucking Queen. 9.13.03 • any history of mental illness? 9.10.03 • boggle: to hesitate as if in fear or doubt. 9.6.03 • pass the aspirin 8.27.03 • this is what i get for leaving the house 7.21.03 • safety in numbers 7.13.03 • god damn 7.11.03 • a million and one stupid things... 6.6.03 • praise Jeebus! 5.23.03 • Kennedy to John Lydon; "Oh, lighten up!" 5.20.03 • they say the French are cowards and assholes... 5.2.03 • I couldn't possibly be *that* fat! 4.19.03 • what's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding? 3.22.03 • this skunk's for you 3.12.03 • Monday's coming like a jail on wheels 2.24.03 • linux, linus, lomax, duck! 2.20.03 • FREE MICHAEL JACKSON! 2.18.03 • the weather in Los Angeles is cloudy 2.13.03 ©1995-2008 mjp | Mission accomplished! Wednesday, November 22nd 2006, 6:03pm BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Iraqi deaths hit a new high in October and 100,000 people are fleeing abroad every month to escape worsening violence that is segregating the country on sectarian lines, a U.N. report said on Wednesday. Painting a grim picture of a population caught in the cross-fire between insurgents, militias, criminal gangs and security forces, the bimonthly report put civilian deaths in October at 3,709 -- 120 a day and up from 3,345 in September. on Thursday, December 7th 2006 at 5:58pm, Hillbilly Jones said: So that’s an 11.88% growth rate on civilian deaths. Hmmm. (God, I just LOVE stats). Using the Rule of 72; if they keep that up for 6.06 months they’ll double the civilian deaths by early Spring. Not bad, if it was a stock market growth rate instead of what it is. Yep, if they had a stock market that grew at 11.88%, now that would be hunky dunky. Cheney and Dubya think they can expedite the existence of that stock market by sticking it up Iraq’s butt hole with a pitch fork and then saying: OK, we’re going to leave the country now but we want you—no, we command you—to hold that pitch fork right there…no, wait a minute, not there….but right THERE, yes, all the way up your asses; and spin it around periodically. And at the rate of 100,000 leaving monthly; damn, the population will be down to zero in about 21.72 years, based on a current population of 26,074,906. Hell, why don’t we just keep our boys over there until 2029; and then we’ll be the only fuckers there and then we can slow dance with those fucking oil wells sitting under Baghdad’s belly. I can’t help but wonder how a country can keep accurate statistics—like the 100,000 fleeing monthly—during a civil war with civilian causalities growing monthly at 11.88%. Hmmm. Well, even if the facts are only 10% of the Reuters reports, it’s a sad phucking situation. I guess I could do the math over, assuming a 10% accuracy rate (which is about the media’s average, I suspect). So if civilians deaths are growing only, say, 1.188% (for those of you who weren’t looking, I moved the decimal point one place to the left. ***smiles broadly), the deaths will double in 5.05 years, which is calculates out to be Christmas Day, 2011. And if 10,000 instead of 100,000 people are fleeing the country per month, there will be a zero population of Iraqi citizens in the year 2224 and we’ll have the place to ourselves. Just think about the opportunities for Starbucks! OK, I guess that might be a bit too long. Back to the drawing board. Hey, at least I have a drawing board. To be fair; Dubya has one too but he draws pictures far into the night, after The First Lady is already dreaming about Tony Snow licking her kitty, of teeny weenie stick people walking across the earth with a machine gun in one hand and an apple in the other. You know, some say that if you hold a picture of The White House up to your ears and listen very, very, carefully you can hear Dubya giggling every night about 2 a.m. after whacking off in the Lincoln bedroom and before sliding in beside his wife who has a smile permanently printed on her face—just like the little green-hatted logo on a jar of Peter Pan Peanut Butter. on Thursday, December 7th 2006 at 6:09pm, Hillbilly Jones said: And by the way, MJP, if you still allowed hyperlinks on the site I could have linked to an awesome image of a jar of Peter Pan Peanut Butter. The little fucker's green hat and smile were perfect and could have added artistically to my math calculations, above. You might as well have mailed Carney Wilson to me, C.O.D., when you did that. I valued my hyperlinks. on Saturday, December 9th 2006 at 2:25am, mjp said: Next motherfucker to type "hyperlinks" in a comment here gets banned for life. I have better things to do than delete 200 spam links from this site every day. Not much better, but better. on Sunday, December 10th 2006 at 10:45pm, Hillbilly Jones said: Little Hillary thinks you must be a bit stressed and not coping well at the present time. She said she wondered if it had something to do with y'all being from Calfornia. "They have a lot of earthquakes!" Someday California is going to fall off into the sea and it's going to be a big mess! Maybe he's nervous about the earthquakes!" said Hillary, as she turned her bottled water up for a three bubble swig. She's a smart one. "He shouldn't say that M word, either," she said, "And besides, they spell it different in the restrooms at school." She doesn't stay long when she stops at the computer. Just a minute ago as she walked away, she said, "Isn't that the guy who used to type all in little letters? Tell him to keep up the good work!" And then she giggled and went to clean her room for second time today. I suspect much more than you or me. on Monday, December 11th 2006 at 7:59pm, JJ said: Does "hypersensitive" count? :D on Monday, December 11th 2006 at 11:42pm, mjp said: Bastard! on Tuesday, December 12th 2006 at 7:22pm, JJ said: Damn mjp, I don't recall us ever being married and only my ex's have ever called me that before ;) on Wednesday, December 13th 2006 at 9:54am, Hillbilly Jones said: Mrs. Jones went Christmas shopping yesterday with my cousin, Nakita Cook. They drove all the way over to the Super Wal-Marts in Batesville and then hit a few yard sales and flea markets on the way back home. My lovely Mrs. Jones bought a bunch of crap for all the kids we have to buy for, but Nakita just bought paper plates and a gift for her husband, Leon. The paper plates are the good kind; the ones that don’t get soggy and bend with a heaping helping of biscuits and red eye gravy. The plates are Leon’s favorite brand of paper plates and they use them only when company comes over and there’s a ball game or truck pull on TV. They had lunch at Mrs. Jones’ favorite fast food joint, Dairy Queen. She loves the regular hamburgers. She says if you order onions they charge you 30 cents extra if you use the drive through window. If you go inside they have finely-chopped onions sitting out with the straws and condiments and you can pile on as much as you want with no extra charge. My Mrs. Jones said she got out of the car to run inside for her burger with free onions while Nakita went through the drive through window. Nakita likes to use the drive through window; we think because she has a crush on the assistant manager, Kenneth Smith. Kenny also ushers at the Catholic church on Saturday night services and prefers “Kenneth” over “Kenny.” He’s been “Kenny” to me for 40+ years so I don’t call him anything else. Anyway, when Nakita dropped my Mrs. Jones off at the house last night she came in for a few minutes while I was on the computer. “Hey!” she said, “Leon wanted me to ask you how much that book is worth; the one by that dead drunk poet guy. He said you could get on the Internet and find out.” “Bukowski?” I asked, as I handed her a glass of sweet tea. “Yes! That’s him!” “Nakita, I think the book you’re talking about is ABOUT Bukowski, not BY Bukowski. I think it’s SURVIVING BUKOWSKI, BY ANN MENEBROKER.” I knew this because Leon talks about it every time they come over here. He asks me to check on eBay every time they are over here, but the book has never shown up on eBay. “Yep, that’s it! Leon’s been driving me crazy to ask you how much the book is worth. He’s wanting a new gun and he’s thinking about selling that book.” Leon keeps that book in a plastic baggie in a fire-proof safe in their basement, along with a knife his grandpa gave him and pair of sunglasses that his mother wore when she was a little girl. The sunglass are amazing. They are metal frames with very dark glass in them. I mean, they are teeny tiny sunglasses; just amazing. They must about 80 years old. So I did an eBay search for the book. No results except nothing. “Well, Leon don’t need no new gun anyway!” said Nakita, as she crossed her thick legs and lit up a cigarette. The football players at Arkansas Tech, in Russellville, don’t have thicker legs than Nakita. She was born with thick legs, her mama says. She’s short too, so they sort of are the first and last thing you see when you meet Nakita for the first time. They are so thick that you just wanna look at them for the sake of looking; but we don’t, although they are always in mind since even a peripheral view is difficult to ignore. So, since MJP is the resident Bukowski expert: Can you give me ANY IDEA of what that goofy book is worth? Inquiring Leon’s want to know. on Sunday, December 17th 2006 at 3:40pm, mjp said: It's rare, that's why you never see it on eBay. It's not tremendously valuable though. Maybe $50 - $75? You should ask on the bukowski.net forum, they know more than I do. on Tuesday, December 19th 2006 at 8:55pm, cunningham said: ann menebroker is a member of the GPP. on Friday, December 22nd 2006 at 11:49pm, Hillbilly Jones said: Leon sold it on eBay. Well, I sold it for him. He set a reserve price of $49 with a BUY IT NOW at $79. 54 people viewed it over the first 3 days but nobody put it on their WATCH LIST. On the 4th day, a Canadian named David slurped it up for $79 plus $6.50 shipping. Leon said that once when he was drunk he got out that book and sniffed it real carefully to see if he could catch a long ago whiff of a woman who wouldn't sleep with Bukowski. He said he thought he smelled something a bit musty, like his grandparents bedroom but pretended it was the woman who didn't sleep with Buk. "Leon, you're one sick bastard. You know that, don't you?" He handed me a loaf of Nakita's home made bread in payment of putting his grandparent's bedroom-smelling book on eBay. smog.blog powered by buddy V2.0 |