| recent comments mjp said: I'm, uh, working on it. Right now. ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! shane said: michael phillips,you are a fuckin madman,post yer next story... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! mjp said: Yes, that is a potential problem for people in 10,001. I often worry about... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... damian said: indeed. ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... Scott h Florance said: The Christians believe Jesus Christ tis immortal and he lives forever. It is... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... mjp said: Isn't there a NASCAR or gun or fishing or tabakky-chewing site you can go... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead Andrew Olin Jones said: Hillbilly said you might turn off the smog but I don't want you to do that... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead mjp said: My childhood box? I don't think anyone wants to open that... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!   previous ramblings • I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead 2.18.08 • Simple is as simple does 1.31.08 • I feel the earthworms under my feet 1.22.08 • New boots and panties 1.19.08 • I haven't given up, I've just stopped trying 12.25.07 • I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons. 12.20.07 • So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night 9.19.07 • Grab the closet case by the horns 8.11.07 • Blogged down in the forum of my youth 5.23.07 • Hotter than July 5.16.07 • 26 Miles Across the Deep Blue Sea 5.11.07 • A rose by any other name, still doesn't smell so good 4.6.07 • Children of a lesser dog from hell 2.22.07 • Squid lights 1.9.07 • Cats and dogs 12.19.06 • Mission accomplished! 11.22.06 • Various tidbits of marginal interest to anyone 11.9.06 • Buddy, can you spare a town? 10.16.06 • A garbage can is somewhat precise. 10.6.06 • Another cantankerous rant - surprise! 9.25.06 • Hey, where you been? 9.1.06 • Geeeeeeee mail, @smog.net 7.27.06 • Oh good lord, it's a kid's show 7.22.06 • Sleeping dogs 6.28.06 • Dumb and dumber 6.21.06 • HDTV for $150! 5.16.06 • Thank you for calling the White House. My name is Krishna, how may I be providing you excellent service today? 4.28.06 • Decades and bits of centuries 4.24.06 • Secret Society 3.22.06 • Sometimes I don't speak right, but yet I know what I'm talking about 3.20.06 • This is the modern world 3.15.06 • Shakespeare never did this 2.18.06 • Who is Lonnie Tolliver, and why should you care? 1.27.06 • Scuttlebutt and innuendo 1.16.06 • Beware the fury of a patient man 1.6.06 • I feel 100 pounds lighter already... 12.30.05 • Dude! Your wiki is showing... 12.20.05 • Yeti spotted, film at 11! 12.19.05 • "God is a concept by which we measure our pain." 12.9.05 • Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... 12.8.05 • Hey, what's with the torn up clothes, and didn't you have a shag haircut last week? 12.5.05 • Shameless self-promotion or a desperate cry for love? You decide. 11.18.05 • Further proof that drinking will kill you 11.6.05 • Big Apple dreamin' on a wooden floor 11.1.05 • Happy birthday to smog. Now where's my cake? 10.16.05 • I got nothing 10.4.05 • free within my own doom 9.25.05 • A Rambling Essay on Politics and the Bleeding Life Written While Drinking a Six-Pack (Tall) 9.12.05 • (There's Gonna Be A) Showdown 8.31.05 • Well, could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? 8.28.05 • What has four wheels and flies? 8.21.05 • Don't think twice, it's all right 8.13.05 • My ass is getting cold sitting on this glacier... 8.11.05 • Capital radio 8.11.05 • nobody's fault 7.23.05 • secret santa 7.3.05 • everything we touch turns to rust 6.21.05 • on the edge of seventeen 6.13.05 • life at 300 baud 6.9.05 • 12 steps away from the screen, running 6.5.05 • shake a leg 6.5.05 • san pedro anarchy press, Inc. 5.22.05 • Z is for zealot 5.20.05 • Lenny Bruce was right 5.16.05 • bad meat in the can 5.12.05 • it's in the water 5.12.05 • you tell me 5.10.05 • what matters most is how well you're lit 5.5.05 • just keep pulling the handle, it'll all be over soon 5.3.05 • rust never sleeps 4.24.05 • randomness, chaos and deliverance 4.21.05 • baby was a black sheep, baby was a whore 4.20.05 • Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? 4.16.05 • roses are red, violets are blue, i thought my hell had ended, but the devil is a crafty bastard with a sick sense of humor and a mean streak a mile wide 4.14.05 • rock the cash bar 4.12.05 • many rivers to cross 4.10.05 • imitation is the sincerest form of unoriginality 4.8.05 • if you are the big tree, we are the small axe! 4.8.05 • give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine 4.4.05 • and who the hell figured QWERTY was a good idea? 4.4.05 • your pope was nothing compared to this guy! 4.3.05 • you've got a TV...i've got a TV...we've all got TV's... 3.29.05 • hitler painted roses 3.26.05 • counselor 3.25.05 • she's still here, damn it! 3.21.05 • patience is a virtue, but resignation is for suckers. 3.13.05 • should have taken mom up on those violin lessons... 3.9.05 • last night a dj saved my life! yeah, maaaaan! 3.9.05 • if i had a hammer... 3.8.05 • caveman re-invents the wheel! film at 11. 3.7.05 • he's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! 3.4.05 • this is a public service announcement - with guitar! 3.2.05 • battlefield girth 2.28.05 • never give a media giant an even break 2.25.05 • 10 Things I've done that you haven't 2.24.05 • come back, bastard! 2.23.05 • hey, just because he likes Judy Garland records and the Tony awards doesn't necessarily mean anything... 2.23.05 • "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." 2.21.05 • I couldn't say it if it wasn't true 2.17.05 • The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." 2.11.05 • how to lose 10 pounds in five minutes! 2.6.05 • earth to smog, earth to smog 2.5.05 • my own private chernobyl... 2.2.05 • Estoy solo, pero siento que tu estas conmigo. 1.26.05 • confessions of an obsessive freak of nature 1.5.05 • death wants more death 12.30.04 • every mikkle make a muckle (ask a Jamaican what it means) 12.17.04 • things that don't suck 12.15.04 • what's it all about, mjp? 11.11.04 • old dog, new tricks 9.2.04 • if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all 8.15.04 • Frida Kahlo, Charles Bukowski and Joel-Peter Witkin have left the building 2.13.03 • R.I.P. smog.net 5.19.04 • almost cut my hair...it happened just the other day 4.23.04 • and we're back! 4.22.04 • one cocoa full a basket 2.14.04 • let's get ready to rumble 1.24.04 • brace yourself for a shitstorm 1.6.04 • it's my party, i'll o.d. if i want to 12.6.03 • pimp-a-licious 11.27.03 • on a clear day you can see the 18th century 11.9.03 • men are from mars, women are from vegas 10.14.03 • hit and run walker 10.6.03 • It's all cow, after all 10.2.03 • Johnny Cash is dead, Tower records is bankrupt, gawd save the fucking Queen. 9.13.03 • any history of mental illness? 9.10.03 • boggle: to hesitate as if in fear or doubt. 9.6.03 • pass the aspirin 8.27.03 • this is what i get for leaving the house 7.21.03 • safety in numbers 7.13.03 • god damn 7.11.03 • a million and one stupid things... 6.6.03 • praise Jeebus! 5.23.03 • Kennedy to John Lydon; "Oh, lighten up!" 5.20.03 • they say the French are cowards and assholes... 5.2.03 • I couldn't possibly be *that* fat! 4.19.03 • what's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding? 3.22.03 • this skunk's for you 3.12.03 • Monday's coming like a jail on wheels 2.24.03 • linux, linus, lomax, duck! 2.20.03 • FREE MICHAEL JACKSON! 2.18.03 • the weather in Los Angeles is cloudy 2.13.03 ©1995-2008 mjp | Various tidbits of marginal interest to anyone Thursday, November 9th 2006, 8:36pm Someone asked me yesterday if I was glad that Democrats were in control of the government now. About the only advantage I can see to having Democrats in control is that at least they use a little lube when they screw you. The differences between politicians of one party or another are minor. A politician is a politician, and they are all useless. But the answer is yes, I feel better having Democratic politicians at the wheel. These Republicans of yours are flat out insane. Just balls-to-the-wall, no-apologies, lying-through-their-teeth lunatic hypocrites, each and every one of them. So, yes. The answer is yes. --- smog.net is running on a new server. I don't know where the future of datapimp lies at the moment, so I'm moving a lot of sites off of the trusty old pimp servers and over to MediaTemple. I think MediaTemple is a decent host, but you never know with these things. They can change on a dime and something good can become unusable because some geek with $600 cell phone had an argument with his mail order bride. I know that doesn't make any sense to you. Don't worry, you aren't missing anything. Anyway, some stuff is a little buggy on the new server here, but I will get around to fixing it all. The users at bukowski.net are helping to defray the costs related to the new digs, so say thank you, you ungrateful freeloaders. Or join them in helping, and earn everyone's undying gratitude and admiration. ---  I bought the KISSOLOGY Volume 1 1974-1977 DVD, and if you think that's funny or uncool, you just don't know where it's at. In 1975 (back when I listened to, and first saw KISS) they were a great band. Perfect for 15 year olds everywhere, and still perfect for that crusty little piece of 15 year old left in your hard, cynical heart.They kind of lost me right when this DVD ends, in 1976-77, because I got on a whole different train with the Ramones and other punk type miscreants. But for a couple years there, KISS rocked my fucking world, and it was great to see the old shows and TV appearances on this DVD. But after a few hours of KISS - even early, classic KISS - you really want to kill yourself. on Thursday, November 9th 2006 at 8:44pm, Gene Simmons said: Thanks for the twenty bucks! on Friday, November 10th 2006 at 4:01am, carol es said: oh gene, you're so goofy. on Friday, November 10th 2006 at 10:42pm, Tom said: What's wrong with a $600 cell phone? on Saturday, November 11th 2006 at 4:14am, mjp said: Ha ha ha ha - on Saturday, November 11th 2006 at 4:46pm, Hillbilly Jones said: With all due respect to “Your MJP’ness” (no penis joke intended), throwing tire irons at a Party because a number of it’s extreme members are judgmental motherfucking cocksucking (no offense to Republican cocksuckers intended) jack off babies is like condemning the principles of Christianity because Jim Bakker gave Oral Roberts (no oral joke intended) head in a limousine paid for by poor black people who send in the cash they get for selling their food stamps. So because Benny Hinn gives Robert Tilton a hand job “love thy neighbor” isn’t such a good idea anymore? And surely you will retract saying “each and every one of them.” I mean, you really DON’T believe that, surely. ***says to self: nah, the boy don’t really really really really mean that Like O’l Wise Hillbilly has said on this site many times before, the Democrats will undoubtedly—if given the control and especially the time—turn this Jungle into a Zoo. That will only speed up the day that China rules the world (which ain’t that far off in the first place). All that fucking they did over there will finally pay off and the USA will be sucking hind teat to the other side of the planet. My daughter’s raw talent will go unrewarded in the market place because the incentives will be gone. Fellow Arkansan President Billy Clinton’s mouth spouted leftist propaganda but if you watched his feet; they walked in step with Capitalism. He was a good liar that knew which voter’s buttons to push and was good for the country. And I don’t mind him getting a BJ here and there but that Paula thing is scary. Have you seen that girl? In Arkansas, during his first term as Governor, he pulled some of that “Government Knows Best” crap on us hillbillies and we booted his scrawny ass out of office. It was only after he repented and promised never to really act like a Democrat again did we give him another chance. He could PRETEND to be one, but that’s where it ended. That was back in the days when Hillary—let’s see, how can I put this—was about 10 percent as pretty as she is today. Even back then a group of us would be sitting around drinking beer and when Hillary or Billy came on TV somebody would always say, “I bet he turns the lights all the way out when he gets some of that.” Anyway, hey, don’t shoot the message because you don’t like the messenger. Democratic propaganda is a socialism value meal. A zoo with lazy animals that produce one thing: POOP And there’s enough poop in the world, don’t you think? The Jungle is tough. It’s ugly. It’s mainly unfair and sometimes it’s hideously cruel. But it’s the best working REALITY in this solar system. It’s why you can buy a shirt at Wal-Mart today, for $14 that fifteen years ago cost $85 at Dillard’s. To be honest, I shouldn’t be afraid of most Democrats being in power because in the end they still give Capitalism a blow job—out of self preservative instincts, and greed. Only thing is, they make me pay for it in government control, which cost money. And where does the money come from? Oh yeah, from me. And you. And your children. And your enemies. Bush, Cheney, a good many of the Republicans in office, repulse me with their judgmental, rigid, fuck the Constitution attitude—and don’t circumvent normal procedures if you wanna listen to my fucking personal telephone calls, George and Dick (dick pun intended). They suck in administering (not “running” cause they don’t run it) the government. So let’s BOOT THEM OUT and let other Republicans have a stab at it. Just pat the Democrats on their heads that are full of bleeding heart dreams of a chicken in every pot and tell them it’s bedtime; run along, the Sandman will soon be here. And then let Capitalism loose, like a 1975 KISS concert full of 2,500 enthusiastic miscreants at The Orpheum in Memphis, Tennessee. Don’t vote for Republicans. Vote for Capitalism and Democracy, not a giant fucking zoo. ***The Battle Hymn Of The Republic plays softly in the background as Ozark Mountain rain clouds bump into the back porch of the Jones palacial estate and then crawl up the wall on Saturday, November 11th 2006 at 7:19pm, mjp said: A politician is a politician, and they are all useless. on Saturday, November 11th 2006 at 11:29pm, Hillbilly Jones said: Dang, young man, making generalizations is risky business. So risky, in fact, that you'll be wrong 99.9999% of the time. Besides, if you don't like Plan A, which includes politicians, what is your Plan B? Dang. on Sunday, November 12th 2006 at 7:34pm, mjp said: Plan B is no politicians. Prove to me that it wouldn't work. ;) We can have order and planning and progress all without politicians. Politicians are in the way of order and progress. But really I am apolitical. I am political only in my disgust with politicians and their status quo. on Monday, November 13th 2006 at 12:15am, Hillbilly Jones said: Before I can argue for or against someting I have to know what it is. Disprove WHAT? Saying disproving a "no politician system" doesn't say poop about poop. on Monday, November 13th 2006 at 3:18pm, carol es said: i vote for snoopy! he will help us out of the poop. (he promises) on Wednesday, November 15th 2006 at 1:43am, Hillbilly Jones said: Not sure what o’l mjp means by status quo but Ms. Es demonstrated wisdom beyond her years. But now look little lady, in the first place, when Snoopy hears you say, “Snoopy! Wanna go outside and poop?” he really hears, “Snoopy! Bah blah blah and blah.” And when you say, “Ahhh, Snoopy, I love you baby!” he hears, “Ahhh, Snoopy, Blah blah blah blah!” He’s a fucking dog! He can’t promise to do shit but guarantees to poop. It’s like the old saying, you can’t be late until you show up. Either way he’ll still poop and probably lick his butt afterwards for a snack. And that reminds me of something else; that dumb Rae Lynn Edwards told my niece, Hillary, that it’s OK to kiss a dog on the mouth because, according to Rae Lynn, a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s mouth. Rae Lynn is a checker at Sain’s Country Convenience over in Dover. She got breast implants for Christmas in 1999 but all it did was make her head look smaller. She’s a gossipy little thing with fat cheeks and small eyes and whore red lipstick. All the men in Dover like her and wait to buy their cigarettes until between 3:00 and 11:00, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday; and 1:00 to 9:00 on Sundays. More Pall Mall reds are sold on Saturday in Dover than anywhere in the state of Arkansas. It was in the paper. Rae Lynn got her slutty little picture with Mayor Johnny Waldo. She wore an aqua satin dress, like you’d see some young chick at a 1962 black and white party on TV with a martini in her left hand, olive and all. She shows her tits no matter what she’s wearing. She’s real proud of those things. They just make me look at her head is all. What’s even weirder is that every time I’ve been in Sain’s Country Convenience and she was working the counter, she was singing “Try A Little Tenderness” while waiting on customers, rocking back and forth while giving change and calling people “hon.” And I’ve been in there twenty times or more since they hired her away from McB’s Stop Lite, out on Highway 7 North towards the Ozark National Forest. She’d stop singing for a few seconds and shout, “Man, I love that Three Dog Night!” and smile like she had a Doberman in her mouth. After her third divorce and a few too many White Russians at the Sain’s Country Convenience store Christmas party last year at the Elk’s Lodge she splashed around the room saying to anyone who would listen, “Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute; but set him on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” She was bouncing off the walls and dancing with every woman’s husband at the party. But that bitch told little Hillary it was OK to let a dog lick your mouth. And then she held her poodle up to Hillary’s face and made Hillary let the dog lick her mouth. Fucking bitch. Hillary came home and brushed her teeth for 20 minutes and then gargled for more than a minute until it burned her little cheeks. Mrs. Jones, who is usually as calm as a catfish pond on a hot day, wanted to drive over to Ray Lynn and Brad’s house to “put an end to her stupidity with a tongue lashing.” “Darlin, you can’t put an end to her stupidity. Besides, y’all would end up fighting cause you wouldn’t be able to keep yourself from insulting her boobs or her small head or both.” Mrs. Jones looked at me with burning eyes. We didn’t go over there that night but Mrs. Jones made me rub her feet with her socks on. After that, little Hillary bought a doggie tooth brush at Feeder’s Supply and brushes Carson’s teeth every day. That’s her status quo. on Wednesday, November 15th 2006 at 1:20pm, damian said: and to bring it full circle, i'm pretty sure that KISS are now and always have been the rock n roll equivalent of licking a dog's ass. i fucking HATE that band. Gene Simmons can go fuck a rolling donut. and Hillbilly...i DARE you to write a story that doesn't involve sex/tits/ass/pussy in some way. i double-dog dare you. on Thursday, November 16th 2006 at 11:18am, Hillbilly Jones said: If I thought you could read, I would. Well, OK, here (even though I don't usually write for people who use small case letters when referring to themselves ("i") and caps for rock and roll stars) THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HAIR IN THE HISTORY OF HAIR My stepdaughter has the most beautiful hair in the history of hair. It is red and flows down her back like a waterfall in a Tarzan movie. Emily’s hair is a force of nature, the color of an Indiana sunset about two minutes before it drops below the horizon combined with Wynona Judd on her best day. If she were in a Tarzan movie, the chimps, mouths open and moving, would drop their bananas when she walked by. Baby Chinese water dragons would freeze in their boots. The elephants would toot a Michael Bolton song. Tonight, while standing with her back to the full-length mirror in our bedroom, her head twisted around, raised eyebrows, blue eyes, she said, “This girl at work said I have a big butt. She said I have a black girl’s butt. Do I have a big butt?” Her hair “What color is the girl at work?” I asked. “She’s black, so she knows. I’m going to Wal-Mart. Can I get y’all anything?” My wife said, “Yes, get me some lead weights. You know the tiny lead weights that go on the end of a fishing pole.” A wintry mix was falling outside. “Wintry mix” is a phrase they both use. I did not answer the butt question but I did say, “There is a chance of snow tonight, so be careful.” The way Emily and her mom put out their cigarettes is something else they have in common. Instead of fatally crushing the butts into an ashtray and bending the ends, they gently tamp them out like slow-scrolling credits to a movie without music at the end. on Thursday, November 16th 2006 at 11:31am, Hillbilly Jones said: ...and I do agree that KISS sucked and sucks. Then again, that's probably because I've never willingly listened to KISS. While Gene Simmons was flicking his tongue at the speed of light I was sitting in a smokey bar spellbound by a Tom Waits performance. on Thursday, November 16th 2006 at 6:57pm, mjp said: I couldn't get into bars when I was 14 or 15, and even if I could have, I would have thought Tom Waits was something my grandpa had picked out on the jukebox. If I was 22 or 42 when KISS reared their pasty heads, I probably would have dismissed them like every other pain-in-the-ass music snob did. But I'm glad I was young and unsophisticated enough to appreciate some of the "bad" bands that the music reviewers at Rolling Stone warned against, like KISS, Aerosmith, the New York Dolls, Stooges and the like. KISS sucked and they sucked hard - after a certain point. Before that they were great, but if you weren't on that train it's impossible to understand that. From the outside, and now 33 years later, it looks like a bad stink from day one. That's understandable. But the fact that so many people hated (and continue to hate) has to clue you into the fact that there was something there. I know that this new music these zombie kids listen to must be something new and exciting, because I can't stand it. And my therapist told me that hate equals fear. I don't know if I agree with that across the board, but there you have it. This is all nostalgia anyway, which is dangerous in anything but very small doses. I don't sit around now listening to KISS or the New York Dolls. It would just give me a headache. Okay, I will admit that I could get into bars pretty much from the time I could walk, but that's only because my old man was a bartender. on Friday, November 17th 2006 at 10:19am, damian said: "I" was having a discussion with a friend last night about Tom Waits. "I" don't get him. well, "I" guess "I" do get him, but "I" just don't dig him. yeah, great, he can tell quirky stories..."I" just don't take a shine to his jazz/vaudeville act. give "ME" Stephen Malkmus. now that man is a genius. on Friday, November 17th 2006 at 7:32pm, Hillbilly Jones said: Waits ain't Vaudeville. Sometimes he takes it to the EXTREME, and that stuff is for his existing fans who GET him. I didn’t like “Don’t Go Into That Barn” until about the fifth time I listened. Check out the following old stuff: Warm Beer and Cold Women Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis Please Call Me Baby San Diego Serenade The Piano Has Been Drinking Little Trip To Heaven Ruby’s Arms Matilda Heartattack and Vine Midnight Lullaby In Between Love And check out the following newer stuff: On The Nickel Make It Rain Day After Tomorrow Don’t Go Into That Barn Actually, too much to mention. He’s the best. He could tell me he slept with my sister and I wouldn’t be mad. on Saturday, November 18th 2006 at 2:24am, damian said: waits IS vaudeville. well...maybe more 'troubadour'. regardlesssssss.... i was talking at another friend tonight, a tom waitsian lover, and expressed to him my sentiments. he seemed satisfied. neither here nor there. at any rate...now listening to neil youngs new one. a 16 minute cowgirl in the sand....more than most of us can ask for, quite frankly. on Saturday, November 18th 2006 at 11:07pm, Hillbilly Jones said: You can say he's vaudeville but that only confirms that you've never seen his act. That cowgirl in the sand ain't a girl no more. She's now in her 50s, 45 lbs overweight, breasts that could serve as a corn field plow (two rows at a time), and she has a thin little mustache that electrolysis just can't seem to hide. I was a Neil Young lover in the 60s and 70s. No, I was near-obsessed with his music but his politics show to be such an unknowing oaf that I can't stand to see or hear him anymore. The only dummer celebrity on the face of the earth is Alex Baldwin. He comes from the shallow end of the gene pool, although I wouldn't mind having his hair. Neil Young can lick my neighbor's dog's ass because I wouldn't want his tongue on my dog. I could make you a Waits CD that would make you cry and stomp around in your living room like a scare crow with diarhea. on Sunday, November 19th 2006 at 12:30pm, damian said: anybody ever tell you that yr an ornery old bastard? neil young rules, everybody else drools. that 'cowgirl in the sand' is from 1970...off his latest album Crazy Horse Live At The Fillmore 1970. it's fucking amazing. and yr right - i've never seen tom waits' act. but the fact is i wouldn't want to, seeing as how i'm NOT A FAN of his music and all. dig his acting tho. on Wednesday, November 22nd 2006 at 1:48am, mjp said: Yeah, but what about KISS? on Wednesday, November 22nd 2006 at 10:41am, damian said: i wouldn't go across the street to piss on them, and Gene Simmons should be castrated, flayed alive and boiled in oil. how's that? on Saturday, November 25th 2006 at 3:43pm, Hillbilly Jones said: Enos Wayne Jones and his 14-year old twin grand daughters, Barbi Jo and Brandi Sue, stopped by the house this afternoon to borrow my wood chipper. Enos has about three dozen pine trees to remove in his front yard. Thirty years ago he planted 2,500 seedlings but the ones in the front yard were planted way too close together. Like capitalism, only the strongest and tallest grew tall enough for sunlight and survived. And they will begat future generations. The stunted trees are going into my chipper tomorrow morning. The girls wanted to rest a bit since the 45 mile drive in Enos’ F-250 was a bit taxing (no Democrat pun intended). So I asked Barbi and Brandi if they liked KISS, but they’d never heard them before so we listened to 30-second clips of the following: Beth Rock & Roll All Night Shout It Out Loud Forever Strutter Nothin' To Lose Fire House Deuce Hotter Than Hell She Anything For My Baby I must admit, they are (1) not what I thought they would be, and (2) better than I thought they would be. But definitely for that crusty 15-year old brains still far from fully developed. I don’t think Gene Simmons should be castrated. Maybe slapped around a bit, but that’s all. The girls liked some of the clips “sort of, kind of” they said. OK, KISS can lick my dog’s ass. But that’s the best I can do for them. I can listen to The Archie’s “Sugar Sugar” once every 12 years and I’m good. My wife on the other hand can listen to that song every day and never get enough. My wife likes Tom Waits BUT ONLY BECAUSE she finally saw him in person a few months ago. She’d still choose The Archie’s over Waits, I’m sure. If it ain’t PEPPY, she’s not into it. I give Tom Waits a perfect 10. I give KISS a 5. Brandi gave Waits a 0 and KISS a 7. Barbi gave Waits a 1 and KISS a 6. Brandi and Barbi look like miniature Susanne Sarandons with Meg Ryan’s smile. They’ll never have to go through enough pain to appreciate Tom Waits; and I think the 7 and 6 ratings that they gave KISS would have been lower had I not shown them a picture of KISS that I googled. Also, the fact that they knew I had a negative opinion of KISS probably added at least 1 point to their favorable rating. Enos and his wife, Martha Sue, caught a glimpse of Barbi masturbating on her bed about three years ago. It was by pure accident because Barbi had left her bedroom door cracked open. It shook them both up a bit. Enos didn’t say much about it but Martha took Mrs. Jones off to the side in private and said Barbi laid on her stomach—with her head and feet in the air like the shape of the bottom of rocking horse—and rocked back and forth for a few minutes with her eyes closed and then she let out a little squeak, “almost mouse like,” said Martha. And it was over. Enos gave Waits a 0 and KISS a negative 10. He’s more of a George Jones kind of a guy. on Sunday, November 26th 2006 at 2:47am, mjp said: Rating or evaluating KISS now is like playing Elvis records for the kids at a 1960's San Francisco acid test and asking, "ain't this fucking cool?!" Taken out of the context of the time when it was dangerous and shocking, it's not cool, it just looks old, dumb and irrelevant. Show Barbi Jo and Brandi Sue a picture of the original Alice Cooper group, or Bowie as Ziggy Stardust, and they'll probably snap their gum and give you a dirty look and say, "so?" People who are completely tattooed used to be circus sideshow attractions. Now your mother has full sleeves and ninth graders have pierced cocks. It's all relative. on Sunday, November 26th 2006 at 2:30pm, Hillbilly Jones said: That's a good point and probably true. If not, you'd be a good stockbroker with a story like that. I'll give you a perfect 10 no matter whether it's true or not. Tom Waits rocks then and now; although a newby should listen to the old stuff first before hearing a peep of his new stuff. on Sunday, November 26th 2006 at 2:39pm, Andrew Olin Jones said: Hillbilly and Mrs. Jones are eating turkey sandwiches right now and watching "Ironweed." They are telling me what to type. You'll have to real real slow cause I type with one finger. Mrs. Jones and Hillbilly still think it sucks dead babies that they can't put URLs here anymore. ***the crowd boos in unison and throws beer cans onto the field BTW, they used to call me OJ until that loser Simpson chopped his wife up like a butcher at Kroger who makes hambuger by day and wacks his meat at night in the glow of his black and white TV. on Sunday, November 26th 2006 at 2:41pm, Andrew Olin Jones said: See? I told y'all I couldn't type. Correction: You'll have to READ real slow cause I type with one finger. Woo Pig Sooie! Go Hogs! on Tuesday, November 28th 2006 at 12:29am, Hillbilly Jones said: Mrs. Jones and I are going to Louisville, KY to see Ray LaMontagne at The Brown Theater on Thursday. We are going to drive up Wednesday and do a little shopping and bar hopping and I don’t know what else. Pit tickets. Second row. Spitting distance. I'm pumped! I used to say that LaMontagne was Richie Havens on Ritalin, but that's not right. His passion is more intense than Havens, although we’d drive a ways to see Richie too. But Ray LaMontagne, wow! The passion runs out of that boy like a microwaved bottle of maple syrup hanging upside down from his heart. We're staying in Louisville Thursday and Friday night, and then driving to Indianapolis on Saturday for his Sunday night show at The Egyptian Room. We really don't go to that many concerts, although when we do we usually follow somebody around and see at least 2 or 3 of their shows. And it's always in a relatively small venue. Fuck the stadiums and huge convention centers. And oh god, we listened to some more KISS. Just can’t handle that shit, sorry. It has no soul. It’s bee boppy like a soggy bag of popcorn at a High School football game in the rain with cheerleaders doing back flips but you don’t really give a shit which side wins because you’re only there because your wife’s aunt thought it would be a good outing for a Friday night. ***spits Check LaMontagne out at you tube dot com. The song TROUBLE should melt your tennis shoes before you know it. Check him out. If you don’t, you’ll surely go to hell. on Tuesday, November 28th 2006 at 3:21am, mjp said: And oh god, we listened to some more KISS. Just can't handle that shit, sorry. Not sure why you're apologizing. You've listened to them more in the last week than I have in the last 30 years. smog.blog powered by buddy V2.0 |