| recent comments mjp said: I'm, uh, working on it. Right now. ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! shane said: michael phillips,you are a fuckin madman,post yer next story... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! mjp said: Yes, that is a potential problem for people in 10,001. I often worry about... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... damian said: indeed. ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... Scott h Florance said: The Christians believe Jesus Christ tis immortal and he lives forever. It is... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... mjp said: Isn't there a NASCAR or gun or fishing or tabakky-chewing site you can go... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead Andrew Olin Jones said: Hillbilly said you might turn off the smog but I don't want you to do that... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead mjp said: My childhood box? I don't think anyone wants to open that... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!   previous ramblings • I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead 2.18.08 • Simple is as simple does 1.31.08 • I feel the earthworms under my feet 1.22.08 • New boots and panties 1.19.08 • I haven't given up, I've just stopped trying 12.25.07 • I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons. 12.20.07 • So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night 9.19.07 • Grab the closet case by the horns 8.11.07 • Blogged down in the forum of my youth 5.23.07 • Hotter than July 5.16.07 • 26 Miles Across the Deep Blue Sea 5.11.07 • A rose by any other name, still doesn't smell so good 4.6.07 • Children of a lesser dog from hell 2.22.07 • Squid lights 1.9.07 • Cats and dogs 12.19.06 • Mission accomplished! 11.22.06 • Various tidbits of marginal interest to anyone 11.9.06 • Buddy, can you spare a town? 10.16.06 • A garbage can is somewhat precise. 10.6.06 • Another cantankerous rant - surprise! 9.25.06 • Hey, where you been? 9.1.06 • Geeeeeeee mail, @smog.net 7.27.06 • Oh good lord, it's a kid's show 7.22.06 • Sleeping dogs 6.28.06 • Dumb and dumber 6.21.06 • HDTV for $150! 5.16.06 • Thank you for calling the White House. My name is Krishna, how may I be providing you excellent service today? 4.28.06 • Decades and bits of centuries 4.24.06 • Secret Society 3.22.06 • Sometimes I don't speak right, but yet I know what I'm talking about 3.20.06 • This is the modern world 3.15.06 • Shakespeare never did this 2.18.06 • Who is Lonnie Tolliver, and why should you care? 1.27.06 • Scuttlebutt and innuendo 1.16.06 • Beware the fury of a patient man 1.6.06 • I feel 100 pounds lighter already... 12.30.05 • Dude! Your wiki is showing... 12.20.05 • Yeti spotted, film at 11! 12.19.05 • "God is a concept by which we measure our pain." 12.9.05 • Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... 12.8.05 • Hey, what's with the torn up clothes, and didn't you have a shag haircut last week? 12.5.05 • Shameless self-promotion or a desperate cry for love? You decide. 11.18.05 • Further proof that drinking will kill you 11.6.05 • Big Apple dreamin' on a wooden floor 11.1.05 • Happy birthday to smog. Now where's my cake? 10.16.05 • I got nothing 10.4.05 • free within my own doom 9.25.05 • A Rambling Essay on Politics and the Bleeding Life Written While Drinking a Six-Pack (Tall) 9.12.05 • (There's Gonna Be A) Showdown 8.31.05 • Well, could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? 8.28.05 • What has four wheels and flies? 8.21.05 • Don't think twice, it's all right 8.13.05 • My ass is getting cold sitting on this glacier... 8.11.05 • Capital radio 8.11.05 • nobody's fault 7.23.05 • secret santa 7.3.05 • everything we touch turns to rust 6.21.05 • on the edge of seventeen 6.13.05 • life at 300 baud 6.9.05 • 12 steps away from the screen, running 6.5.05 • shake a leg 6.5.05 • san pedro anarchy press, Inc. 5.22.05 • Z is for zealot 5.20.05 • Lenny Bruce was right 5.16.05 • bad meat in the can 5.12.05 • it's in the water 5.12.05 • you tell me 5.10.05 • what matters most is how well you're lit 5.5.05 • just keep pulling the handle, it'll all be over soon 5.3.05 • rust never sleeps 4.24.05 • randomness, chaos and deliverance 4.21.05 • baby was a black sheep, baby was a whore 4.20.05 • Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? 4.16.05 • roses are red, violets are blue, i thought my hell had ended, but the devil is a crafty bastard with a sick sense of humor and a mean streak a mile wide 4.14.05 • rock the cash bar 4.12.05 • many rivers to cross 4.10.05 • imitation is the sincerest form of unoriginality 4.8.05 • if you are the big tree, we are the small axe! 4.8.05 • give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine 4.4.05 • and who the hell figured QWERTY was a good idea? 4.4.05 • your pope was nothing compared to this guy! 4.3.05 • you've got a TV...i've got a TV...we've all got TV's... 3.29.05 • hitler painted roses 3.26.05 • counselor 3.25.05 • she's still here, damn it! 3.21.05 • patience is a virtue, but resignation is for suckers. 3.13.05 • should have taken mom up on those violin lessons... 3.9.05 • last night a dj saved my life! yeah, maaaaan! 3.9.05 • if i had a hammer... 3.8.05 • caveman re-invents the wheel! film at 11. 3.7.05 • he's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! 3.4.05 • this is a public service announcement - with guitar! 3.2.05 • battlefield girth 2.28.05 • never give a media giant an even break 2.25.05 • 10 Things I've done that you haven't 2.24.05 • come back, bastard! 2.23.05 • hey, just because he likes Judy Garland records and the Tony awards doesn't necessarily mean anything... 2.23.05 • "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." 2.21.05 • I couldn't say it if it wasn't true 2.17.05 • The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." 2.11.05 • how to lose 10 pounds in five minutes! 2.6.05 • earth to smog, earth to smog 2.5.05 • my own private chernobyl... 2.2.05 • Estoy solo, pero siento que tu estas conmigo. 1.26.05 • confessions of an obsessive freak of nature 1.5.05 • death wants more death 12.30.04 • every mikkle make a muckle (ask a Jamaican what it means) 12.17.04 • things that don't suck 12.15.04 • what's it all about, mjp? 11.11.04 • old dog, new tricks 9.2.04 • if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all 8.15.04 • Frida Kahlo, Charles Bukowski and Joel-Peter Witkin have left the building 2.13.03 • R.I.P. smog.net 5.19.04 • almost cut my hair...it happened just the other day 4.23.04 • and we're back! 4.22.04 • one cocoa full a basket 2.14.04 • let's get ready to rumble 1.24.04 • brace yourself for a shitstorm 1.6.04 • it's my party, i'll o.d. if i want to 12.6.03 • pimp-a-licious 11.27.03 • on a clear day you can see the 18th century 11.9.03 • men are from mars, women are from vegas 10.14.03 • hit and run walker 10.6.03 • It's all cow, after all 10.2.03 • Johnny Cash is dead, Tower records is bankrupt, gawd save the fucking Queen. 9.13.03 • any history of mental illness? 9.10.03 • boggle: to hesitate as if in fear or doubt. 9.6.03 • pass the aspirin 8.27.03 • this is what i get for leaving the house 7.21.03 • safety in numbers 7.13.03 • god damn 7.11.03 • a million and one stupid things... 6.6.03 • praise Jeebus! 5.23.03 • Kennedy to John Lydon; "Oh, lighten up!" 5.20.03 • they say the French are cowards and assholes... 5.2.03 • I couldn't possibly be *that* fat! 4.19.03 • what's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding? 3.22.03 • this skunk's for you 3.12.03 • Monday's coming like a jail on wheels 2.24.03 • linux, linus, lomax, duck! 2.20.03 • FREE MICHAEL JACKSON! 2.18.03 • the weather in Los Angeles is cloudy 2.13.03 ©1995-2008 mjp | Geeeeeeee mail, @smog.net Thursday, July 27th 2006, 7:52pm NOTE: As of 9/19/06 these are all gone. No more. Sorry. I finally got the smog.net Google mail set up, so if you want a free @smog.net email address that uses the super-cool Google Gmail interface, just click that unobtrusive link up at the top left there. If you are in Hotmail or Yahoo mail prison and have never used Gmail you're in for a treat. It's a really great webmail client (well, you'll love it or you'll hate it, let's put it that way) and the son of a bitch holds 2 gigabytes of mail, all searchable, tagable, filable - anything you'd want to do with mail. Try it, you'll like it. If not, you get your money back. on Friday, July 28th 2006 at 12:32am, Hillbilly Jones said: So is this to promote smog dot net? What's the deal? And hey, if the Mrs. and I got a smog dot net account could you read our mail if you wanted? The Mrs. about shits in her brown & black jungle panties over the thought of shit like that. I tried...I told her that SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE can probably read her email no matter where she has an account, so what's the B.F.D.? She won't even use a cell phone cause she heard people ease drop with little black boxes that she saw on 60 Minutes or Geraldo or maybe it was Jenny Jones. She also thinks that Ford's decision to stop producing Explorers is a government cover up plot. The good news is, you?re not closing down good o?l smog dot net like you threatened to a while back. I think little Hillary got sad over that. She gets over stuff like that pretty quick. So what?s the deal? on Friday, July 28th 2006 at 1:10pm, mjp said: There's nothing behind the offer. I've always meant to offer @smog.net mail for anyone who wanted it, now Google just made it too easy to do it, so I had no excuse not to. No, I can't read anyone's email. It's just like a regular Gmail account. It lives on Google's servers. I *can* disable accounts, so if someone is spamming or whatever other creepy shit those types do, I can shut them down. Otherwise it's as safe as any email account. People haven't eavesdropped on cell phone conversations for ten years. That's outmoded shit. Too many phones to make it feasible. on Tuesday, August 1st 2006 at 12:14am, Hillbilly Jones said: Why can't you get one them boxes with the wavy characters that we have to type in, to post web sites? I hear that's really up town but easy to boot. The Mrs. is in bed watching an evil preacher on TV; a bald headed little fucker who teaches his flock to rejeck their children who don't go to THAT CHURCH. He?s a real sick fuck. He could sell used rubbers door to door and make you smell his ass afterwards, cause God told him to tell you to smell his ass. Like I said, he?s a real fuck. He can make you reject your children. My guess is, he?s fucking half the congregation and some of the women too. He has a flash intro to his website that makes your balls suck up into your head and then it?s downhill from there. h t t p colon slash slash onfirechristiancenter dot org slash ofccheader dot swf It?s worth checking out. Only in America. Funny thing is, even if he woke up dead tomorrow there?s always another sick fuck to step in and start butt fucking the congregation among all the emotions, heart beats, and potato salad. on Friday, August 4th 2006 at 10:10pm, your mom1 (aka Josh McGinnis) said: no one wants you crap. your blog has become a big friggin tool for your useless/boring crap printed with your awesome 5000 yr old printer! on Saturday, August 5th 2006 at 1:12am, mjp said: Fuck you, mom! on Saturday, August 5th 2006 at 4:27pm, JJ said: Damn, I would have thought your 'mom' would have had better punctuation and grammar. :) A 5,000 year old printer!!!!!!!! Wow, I'd think that you could sell that puppy and retire, maybe even buy 'mom' a dictionary with thesaurus. on Saturday, August 5th 2006 at 7:34pm, mjp said: Mom and I rarely see eye to eye. on Sunday, August 6th 2006 at 12:51am, Hillbilly Jones said: ROFLMAO@Fuck you, mom! That even made Mrs. Jones? cousin, Patty Ann Swanner, giggle. She was here until two minutes ago. ?What in the world are you?ins doin? on that computer?? she asked a few minutes ago. She squinted after she read?and thought she saw??fuck you, mom? but when the second reading confirmed the first she laughed like a monkey having an orgasm. Patty Ann gave us all squirrel shots back in history class in the 7th grade, way long ago. And in science class she pressed her taut young titties against my back when the class gathered around the lab table to observe an experiment. I can still smell her breath coming from behind me as the hair on my arms stood tall. She came over to see if we were going to see Tom Waits, in Louisville, Kentucky, on Monday night; which we are. She?s going to feed the animals and let the kids out to graze while we?re gone. Patty Ann has a tongue longer than most big dogs. We couldn?t get pit seats in Memphis or Nashville, and the pit seats in Louisville were $700 on eBay. Mrs. Jones would Ginzu my balls and serve them to Jagermeister, my daughter Emily?s bull mastiff, if I paid $700 for two tickets to someone she doesn?t like anyway. I read the set list from Friday?s Memphis show and it scared me. I was raised on the old Tom Waits stuff; the torch songs, the ballads, from the real life Rudy the Cootie. The set list for Ashville, Atlanta, and Memphis only one song that I like, and none of the old stuff except for ?Heart attack and Vine.? After the Louisville show, we might scoot on up to the Chicago show providing we can get lucky with a pair of tickets. It?s like having the chance to see Bukowski one last time. YOU GO, and that?s all there is to it. LOL@Fuck you, mom! on Sunday, August 6th 2006 at 12:57am, Hillbilly Jones said: Little Hillary Sue has a suggestion. She says you should increase the number of "Recent Comments" available. She said twenty-one would be a nice number. Twenty-one is Hillary's favorite number. Her OCD that produces straight A's at school and a room that looks like it's out of House & Garden magazine, is a strange thing sometimes. She'll count things out into piles of twenty-one or two-and-one. So she thinks twenty-one would be good. And she sends her humble regards. on Thursday, August 10th 2006 at 9:52am, andrew said: goody i got it! on Saturday, August 12th 2006 at 2:17am, Hillbilly Jones said: Ol Hillbilly's been playing this week. The Mrs. and I went to Louisville, KY, to see Tom Waits at the Louisville Palace. It looks like they shot Lincoln in that place. Waits was awesome! He only played 3 of the old torch songs that I screwed the Mrs. to, before she was my Mrs., way back yonder. You know, the first 5 or 6 albums or so. Then I flew to Cincinnati for the Reds/Cardinals game on Thursday, and then back again. I was in Section 24, 13th row behind home plate. Bottled water was $1 outside the Great American Ball Park and $4 inside. A hamburger and waffle fries was $8.25, Honey Brown draft beer $6, and a cold Bud Light $7. They charged a $10 take a shit fee in the mens room. Mother fuckers. The Mrs. gave me my first blow job after I pitched a no hitter in American Legion when I was 17, although I lost the game 2 to 1. I needed that blow job after that game. I?m flying to Cleveland Saturday for the Sunday night Tom Waits show at the House of Blues. He has a regular show in Akron that same night, so it?s going to be only Tom and his piano. It?s supposed to start at 11:00 but I won?t be surprised if it?s closer to midnight. He was 45 minutes late starting in Louisville. Mmm, mmm, good! That?s what happens when you reach your top earning power. You spend money. And then, statistically, when you hit 50 or so, you turn into a saver again. Retirement looks a lot closer at 50 than it did at 49. I?ve been in a saving mode for years, and still am, but I?m going to go crazy for a while. I don?t wanna end up like Tommy Wayne Pearson. He saved and saved and saved and saved and ate hotdogs instead of hamburgers and drank cheap foul beer instead of a fine scotch and drove a Pinto until you never ever never ever saw another Pinto on the road, except Tommy Wayne?s Pinto. And he never took vacations but he talked about how well off he?d be in retirement and then on his way to get a Sunday morning paper and a dozen glazed donuts he pulled out in front of a cattle truck that was doing about 60 in a 45 mph zone on State Highway 7, one of the prettiest highway in the United States. I?m going to be standing on the front row in the general admission standing room only ??where the clouds are like headlines on a new front page sky and shiver me timbers I?m a sailin? away? I?m so excited I?ll probably whack off about a dozen times in the hotel. I know Tom would appreciate that. Hey, the spam fucks seem to be behaving lately. on Saturday, August 12th 2006 at 8:49pm, your mom1 (aka Josh McGinnis) said: this is your 2nd mom. i'm here to tell you that not only is mjp gay (he used to hit on me when i worked at carl's jr.), so is hillbilly gay...er...jones.) and for my grammar, eat this: dada dada so long so long i will leave under the cover. summers kiss upon the sky. like the stone face of your lover. just before she says goodbye. i was here. but now i'm gone. bitches. on Tuesday, August 15th 2006 at 1:36am, Hillbilly Jones said: Last night in Cleveland I was standing close enough that Tom could have spit on me. The line extended down Cleveland?s Euclid Street to West 4th Street, and then turned down Wes 4th for at least 2 or 3 more blocks. I ain?t seen a line like that since Mother Teresa died. I was the first in line when I arrived at 8:00 but went inside and had a few drinks and ended up about 40th in line. It was a beautiful, comfortable night and people were buzzing with excitement in the line and the excitement only increased during the show and the calls for an encore was the most excitement I?ve been in the middle of in a long time. And then it exploded up a few notches during the second call for a second encore, which Waits rewarded us with. Overall, the show was so wonderful that for me to say anything negative about it would be like getting laid by the best piece of ass you?ve ever had and then saying, ?It was great but I didn?t like the color choices in her bedroom.? I rested my arms on the edge of the stage in front of Tom. Holy moly. It was holy. His first tour without a piano. He continues to reinvent himself while still being himself. The midnight show didn?t start until 1:25 a.m. My guess is, the evil corporate House of Blues delayed the show so they could sell more booze. So I obliged. I kept almost hoping he?d spit on me so I?d have my own little intimate Tom Waits story, but not that gay kind that so desperately bothers Your Mother 1 and 2. Tom Waits told me to tell you: warm beer and cold women, I just don't fit in every joint I stumbled into tonight that's just how it's been all these double knit strangers with gin and vermouth and recycled stories in the naugahyde booths with the platinum blondes and tobacco brunettes I'll be drinkin' to forget you lite another cigarette and the band's playin' something by Tammy Wynette and the drinks are on me tonight all my conversations I'll just be talkin' about you baby borin' some sailor as I try to get through I just want him to listen that's all you have to do he said I'm better off without you till I showed him my tattoo now the moon's rising ain't got no time to lose time to get down to drinking I came home and fucked the Mrs. like I was on fire. It was a good weekend with Tommy Waits. on Tuesday, August 15th 2006 at 6:54pm, yourmom3(aka josh-is-gay-mwaha) said: mwaha. you wish i was as cool as josh. mwahaha. one musten loveth anonymouseth surfingteth. on Tuesday, September 19th 2006 at 5:52pm, l.kraft said: well fuck. i wanted one now you tell me there gone??? on Tuesday, September 19th 2006 at 6:01pm, mjp said: Yes, "there" gone. Read it and weep, slowpoke. on Wednesday, September 20th 2006 at 10:54am, lawl said: why? on Thursday, September 21st 2006 at 3:33am, mjp said: Why indeed. on Sunday, September 24th 2006 at 12:15am, Hillbilly Jones said: why not? if you parents didn't have children it's pretty good odds that you won't either. on Saturday, March 3rd 2007 at 12:31am, Hillbilly Jones said: I never used the account that I think I got. Cancel mine if you want and give it to somebody else. smog.blog powered by buddy V2.0 |