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mjp said: I'm, uh, working on it. Right now. ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!

shane said: michael phillips,you are a fuckin madman,post yer next story... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!

mjp said: Yes, that is a potential problem for people in 10,001. I often worry about... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this...

damian said: indeed. ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this...

Scott h Florance said: The Christians believe Jesus Christ tis immortal and he lives forever. It is... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this...

mjp said: Isn't there a NASCAR or gun or fishing or tabakky-chewing site you can go... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead

Andrew Olin Jones said: Hillbilly said you might turn off the smog but I don't want you to do that... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead

mjp said: My childhood box? I don't think anyone wants to open that... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!

previous ramblings

• I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead 2.18.08

• Simple is as simple does 1.31.08

• I feel the earthworms under my feet 1.22.08

• New boots and panties 1.19.08

• I haven't given up, I've just stopped trying 12.25.07

• I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons. 12.20.07

• So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night 9.19.07

• Grab the closet case by the horns 8.11.07

• Blogged down in the forum of my youth 5.23.07

• Hotter than July 5.16.07

• 26 Miles Across the Deep Blue Sea 5.11.07

• A rose by any other name, still doesn't smell so good 4.6.07

• Children of a lesser dog from hell 2.22.07

• Squid lights 1.9.07

• Cats and dogs 12.19.06

• Mission accomplished! 11.22.06

• Various tidbits of marginal interest to anyone 11.9.06

• Buddy, can you spare a town? 10.16.06

• A garbage can is somewhat precise. 10.6.06

• Another cantankerous rant - surprise! 9.25.06

• Hey, where you been? 9.1.06

• Geeeeeeee mail, @smog.net 7.27.06

• Oh good lord, it's a kid's show 7.22.06

• Sleeping dogs 6.28.06

• Dumb and dumber 6.21.06

• HDTV for $150! 5.16.06

• Thank you for calling the White House. My name is Krishna, how may I be providing you excellent service today? 4.28.06

• Decades and bits of centuries 4.24.06

• Secret Society 3.22.06

• Sometimes I don't speak right, but yet I know what I'm talking about 3.20.06

• This is the modern world 3.15.06

• Shakespeare never did this 2.18.06

• Who is Lonnie Tolliver, and why should you care? 1.27.06

• Scuttlebutt and innuendo 1.16.06

• Beware the fury of a patient man 1.6.06

• I feel 100 pounds lighter already... 12.30.05

• Dude! Your wiki is showing... 12.20.05

• Yeti spotted, film at 11! 12.19.05

• "God is a concept by which we measure our pain." 12.9.05

• Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... 12.8.05

• Hey, what's with the torn up clothes, and didn't you have a shag haircut last week? 12.5.05

• Shameless self-promotion or a desperate cry for love? You decide. 11.18.05

• Further proof that drinking will kill you 11.6.05

• Big Apple dreamin' on a wooden floor 11.1.05

• Happy birthday to smog. Now where's my cake? 10.16.05

• I got nothing 10.4.05

• free within my own doom 9.25.05

• A Rambling Essay on Politics and the Bleeding Life Written While Drinking a Six-Pack (Tall) 9.12.05

• (There's Gonna Be A) Showdown 8.31.05

• Well, could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? 8.28.05

• What has four wheels and flies? 8.21.05

• Don't think twice, it's all right 8.13.05

• My ass is getting cold sitting on this glacier... 8.11.05

• Capital radio 8.11.05

• nobody's fault 7.23.05

• secret santa 7.3.05

• everything we touch turns to rust 6.21.05

• on the edge of seventeen 6.13.05

• life at 300 baud 6.9.05

• 12 steps away from the screen, running 6.5.05

• shake a leg 6.5.05

• san pedro anarchy press, Inc. 5.22.05

• Z is for zealot 5.20.05

• Lenny Bruce was right 5.16.05

• bad meat in the can 5.12.05

• it's in the water 5.12.05

• you tell me 5.10.05

• what matters most is how well you're lit 5.5.05

• just keep pulling the handle, it'll all be over soon 5.3.05

• rust never sleeps 4.24.05

• randomness, chaos and deliverance 4.21.05

• baby was a black sheep, baby was a whore 4.20.05

• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? 4.16.05

• roses are red, violets are blue, i thought my hell had ended, but the devil is a crafty bastard with a sick sense of humor and a mean streak a mile wide 4.14.05

• rock the cash bar 4.12.05

• many rivers to cross 4.10.05

• imitation is the sincerest form of unoriginality 4.8.05

• if you are the big tree, we are the small axe! 4.8.05

• give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine 4.4.05

• and who the hell figured QWERTY was a good idea? 4.4.05

• your pope was nothing compared to this guy! 4.3.05

• you've got a TV...i've got a TV...we've all got TV's... 3.29.05

• hitler painted roses 3.26.05

• counselor 3.25.05

• she's still here, damn it! 3.21.05

• patience is a virtue, but resignation is for suckers. 3.13.05

• should have taken mom up on those violin lessons... 3.9.05

• last night a dj saved my life! yeah, maaaaan! 3.9.05

• if i had a hammer... 3.8.05

• caveman re-invents the wheel! film at 11. 3.7.05

• he's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! 3.4.05

• this is a public service announcement - with guitar! 3.2.05

• battlefield girth 2.28.05

• never give a media giant an even break 2.25.05

• 10 Things I've done that you haven't 2.24.05

• come back, bastard! 2.23.05

• hey, just because he likes Judy Garland records and the Tony awards doesn't necessarily mean anything... 2.23.05

• "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." 2.21.05

• I couldn't say it if it wasn't true 2.17.05

• The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." 2.11.05

• how to lose 10 pounds in five minutes! 2.6.05

• earth to smog, earth to smog 2.5.05

• my own private chernobyl... 2.2.05

• Estoy solo, pero siento que tu estas conmigo. 1.26.05

• confessions of an obsessive freak of nature 1.5.05

• death wants more death 12.30.04

• every mikkle make a muckle (ask a Jamaican what it means) 12.17.04

• things that don't suck 12.15.04

• what's it all about, mjp? 11.11.04

• old dog, new tricks 9.2.04

• if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all 8.15.04

• Frida Kahlo, Charles Bukowski and Joel-Peter Witkin have left the building 2.13.03

• R.I.P. smog.net 5.19.04

• almost cut my hair...it happened just the other day 4.23.04

• and we're back! 4.22.04

• one cocoa full a basket 2.14.04

• let's get ready to rumble 1.24.04

• brace yourself for a shitstorm 1.6.04

• it's my party, i'll o.d. if i want to 12.6.03

• pimp-a-licious 11.27.03

• on a clear day you can see the 18th century 11.9.03

• men are from mars, women are from vegas 10.14.03

• hit and run walker 10.6.03

• It's all cow, after all 10.2.03

• Johnny Cash is dead, Tower records is bankrupt, gawd save the fucking Queen. 9.13.03

• any history of mental illness? 9.10.03

• boggle: to hesitate as if in fear or doubt. 9.6.03

• pass the aspirin 8.27.03

• this is what i get for leaving the house 7.21.03

• safety in numbers 7.13.03

• god damn 7.11.03

• a million and one stupid things... 6.6.03

• praise Jeebus! 5.23.03

• Kennedy to John Lydon; "Oh, lighten up!" 5.20.03

• they say the French are cowards and assholes... 5.2.03

• I couldn't possibly be *that* fat! 4.19.03

• what's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding? 3.22.03

• this skunk's for you 3.12.03

• Monday's coming like a jail on wheels 2.24.03

• linux, linus, lomax, duck! 2.20.03

• FREE MICHAEL JACKSON! 2.18.03

• the weather in Los Angeles is cloudy 2.13.03

©1995-2008 mjp

Further proof that drinking will kill you
Sunday, November 6th 2005, 5:51pm

A relaxing Saturday night at home, I was cooking a pot of spaghetti, all was well with the world, so I thought a finger or two of fine Kentucky Bourbon over a couple of ice cubes would be appropriate. I had an unopened bottle of Knob Creek at hand, so I peeled away the wax around the neck and pulled out the cork. I guess the glass was cracked, or it was a faulty bottle, because the instant the cork popped, the bottom fell out, and the contents of the entire bottle flowed out over the countertop, down the sides of the counter between the stove on one side and the refrigerator on the other, and all over me from the waist down.

The first thing that went through my mind was, "Shit, it's going to really suck cleaning this up..." A fraction of a second later what went through my mind was, "Shit, all the fine Kentucky bourbon is on the floor now!" I carried the bottle over to the sink and laid it down and turned around to go back to the boiling pasta, and much to my surprise and dismay, the entire countertop and floor were on fire.

I know what you're thinking, "yeah dimwit, spill a 50% alcohol mixture near an open flame, that's what's going to happen!" But, A) I didn't pay attention in science class - really, I didn't - and B) It didn't occur to me that the spill would make the leap to the open stovetop flame. Had I had my scientific wits about me, yeah, I would have killed the flame before going to the sink. That would have been the smart thing to do. Which is why I didn't do it, I suppose.

Fire? FIRE!

So. Everywhere the bourbon had spilled was on fire. A fire in your house is a weird thing. It's very unreal, kind of dreamlike, and your reactions are very primal. But unfortunately the primal me is no smarter than the modern day me, so the first thing I did was throw a pot of water on the flames. Which, as you know (since you were paying attention in science class) just spreads an alcohol fueled fire out further. Makes it bigger. And yep, that's exactly what it does! Science is right again.

Luckily the primal me also somehow remembered that we have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, so in a kind of auto-pilot-emergency-trance I pulled the extinguisher from the wall mount, popped the pin and unloaded the fucker at the base of the flames in one awe-inspiringly smooth and effective two or three second motion.

Hello fire extinguisher, good to see you

Those dry chemical fire extinguishers are pretty effective. The fire was put out immediately, and all that was left was a giant cloud of chemical fire retardant, a couple of scorched appliances and cabinets, a stove spewing gas (the extinguisher extinguishes everything in it's path, including pilot lights), three-quarters of a liter of cooked bourbon, and one king-sized extra jumbo cleanup. Carol walked into the toxic cloud, looked around and calmly said, "So I take it dinner is ruined?"

You have no idea how many small things are in your kitchen until you have to empty the countertops, drawers and cabinets to clean chemical fire retardant off of everything. Not to mention the general filth and ugliness that you try to ignore underneath and behind things like stoves and refrigerators until you have to move them to mop up a sludge consisting of singed liquor and fire extinguisher chemicals.

Four and a half hours and a lot of sweat and slop later, the kitchen was pretty much back to normal. Everything is back where it belongs and the only thing to hint that something isn't quite right (not counting the burn marks on the cabinetry next to the stove - don't tell the landlord) is the lingering aroma of fine Kentuky bourbon that soaked into the wood cabinet, which will probably be with us for a few days.

I suppose there is a lesson to be learned here. Damned if I know what it is though.

Good times.

on Monday, November 7th 2005 at 12:19am, chosha said:
Ummmm...listen in Science class? :)

At least you knew to spray the retardant at the BASE of the fire. Yah, you! And kudos to Carol for the calm response - very funny and cool.

on Monday, November 7th 2005 at 9:50am, damian said:
the lesson, of course, is ALWAYS DRINK BEER.

on Monday, November 7th 2005 at 12:53pm, mjp said:
You'd think I would know that by now.

on Wednesday, November 9th 2005 at 3:20pm, Q. said:
Check it: http://www.geocities.com/jimmozz/buk.htm

on Monday, November 14th 2005 at 11:34am, mjp said:
Apropos of nothing, that link.

on Monday, November 14th 2005 at 2:19pm, Marshall said:
Wow! The fire everywhere part doesn't suck so bad, but the cleaning sounds like a nightmare.

on Tuesday, November 15th 2005 at 12:31am, mjp said:
Yeah, the cleanup probably was worse than the fire. Fire only scares the living shit out of you for a few minutes (if you're lucky enough to put it out), then you're a little jumpy for a while. The cleanup, though, seemed never ending.

on Wednesday, November 16th 2005 at 10:52pm, Brandon G said:
Damn if only the primal you could multi task. That would be nice, every time we panic we could put out a fire, draw a picture, make up with all those people we have wronged and make travil plans. I'd be blowing shit up all the time. Get in a car crash-fix the lamp, fall from a cliff-brush my teeth.

on Friday, November 18th 2005 at 3:37pm, mjp said:
I like the way you think. You're hired.