| recent comments mjp said: I'm, uh, working on it. Right now. ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! shane said: michael phillips,you are a fuckin madman,post yer next story... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up! mjp said: Yes, that is a potential problem for people in 10,001. I often worry about... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... damian said: indeed. ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... Scott h Florance said: The Christians believe Jesus Christ tis immortal and he lives forever. It is... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... mjp said: Isn't there a NASCAR or gun or fishing or tabakky-chewing site you can go... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead Andrew Olin Jones said: Hillbilly said you might turn off the smog but I don't want you to do that... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead mjp said: My childhood box? I don't think anyone wants to open that... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!   previous ramblings • I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead 2.18.08 • Simple is as simple does 1.31.08 • I feel the earthworms under my feet 1.22.08 • New boots and panties 1.19.08 • I haven't given up, I've just stopped trying 12.25.07 • I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons. 12.20.07 • So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night 9.19.07 • Grab the closet case by the horns 8.11.07 • Blogged down in the forum of my youth 5.23.07 • Hotter than July 5.16.07 • 26 Miles Across the Deep Blue Sea 5.11.07 • A rose by any other name, still doesn't smell so good 4.6.07 • Children of a lesser dog from hell 2.22.07 • Squid lights 1.9.07 • Cats and dogs 12.19.06 • Mission accomplished! 11.22.06 • Various tidbits of marginal interest to anyone 11.9.06 • Buddy, can you spare a town? 10.16.06 • A garbage can is somewhat precise. 10.6.06 • Another cantankerous rant - surprise! 9.25.06 • Hey, where you been? 9.1.06 • Geeeeeeee mail, @smog.net 7.27.06 • Oh good lord, it's a kid's show 7.22.06 • Sleeping dogs 6.28.06 • Dumb and dumber 6.21.06 • HDTV for $150! 5.16.06 • Thank you for calling the White House. My name is Krishna, how may I be providing you excellent service today? 4.28.06 • Decades and bits of centuries 4.24.06 • Secret Society 3.22.06 • Sometimes I don't speak right, but yet I know what I'm talking about 3.20.06 • This is the modern world 3.15.06 • Shakespeare never did this 2.18.06 • Who is Lonnie Tolliver, and why should you care? 1.27.06 • Scuttlebutt and innuendo 1.16.06 • Beware the fury of a patient man 1.6.06 • I feel 100 pounds lighter already... 12.30.05 • Dude! Your wiki is showing... 12.20.05 • Yeti spotted, film at 11! 12.19.05 • "God is a concept by which we measure our pain." 12.9.05 • Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... 12.8.05 • Hey, what's with the torn up clothes, and didn't you have a shag haircut last week? 12.5.05 • Shameless self-promotion or a desperate cry for love? You decide. 11.18.05 • Further proof that drinking will kill you 11.6.05 • Big Apple dreamin' on a wooden floor 11.1.05 • Happy birthday to smog. Now where's my cake? 10.16.05 • I got nothing 10.4.05 • free within my own doom 9.25.05 • A Rambling Essay on Politics and the Bleeding Life Written While Drinking a Six-Pack (Tall) 9.12.05 • (There's Gonna Be A) Showdown 8.31.05 • Well, could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? 8.28.05 • What has four wheels and flies? 8.21.05 • Don't think twice, it's all right 8.13.05 • My ass is getting cold sitting on this glacier... 8.11.05 • Capital radio 8.11.05 • nobody's fault 7.23.05 • secret santa 7.3.05 • everything we touch turns to rust 6.21.05 • on the edge of seventeen 6.13.05 • life at 300 baud 6.9.05 • 12 steps away from the screen, running 6.5.05 • shake a leg 6.5.05 • san pedro anarchy press, Inc. 5.22.05 • Z is for zealot 5.20.05 • Lenny Bruce was right 5.16.05 • bad meat in the can 5.12.05 • it's in the water 5.12.05 • you tell me 5.10.05 • what matters most is how well you're lit 5.5.05 • just keep pulling the handle, it'll all be over soon 5.3.05 • rust never sleeps 4.24.05 • randomness, chaos and deliverance 4.21.05 • baby was a black sheep, baby was a whore 4.20.05 • Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? 4.16.05 • roses are red, violets are blue, i thought my hell had ended, but the devil is a crafty bastard with a sick sense of humor and a mean streak a mile wide 4.14.05 • rock the cash bar 4.12.05 • many rivers to cross 4.10.05 • imitation is the sincerest form of unoriginality 4.8.05 • if you are the big tree, we are the small axe! 4.8.05 • give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine 4.4.05 • and who the hell figured QWERTY was a good idea? 4.4.05 • your pope was nothing compared to this guy! 4.3.05 • you've got a TV...i've got a TV...we've all got TV's... 3.29.05 • hitler painted roses 3.26.05 • counselor 3.25.05 • she's still here, damn it! 3.21.05 • patience is a virtue, but resignation is for suckers. 3.13.05 • should have taken mom up on those violin lessons... 3.9.05 • last night a dj saved my life! yeah, maaaaan! 3.9.05 • if i had a hammer... 3.8.05 • caveman re-invents the wheel! film at 11. 3.7.05 • he's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! 3.4.05 • this is a public service announcement - with guitar! 3.2.05 • battlefield girth 2.28.05 • never give a media giant an even break 2.25.05 • 10 Things I've done that you haven't 2.24.05 • come back, bastard! 2.23.05 • hey, just because he likes Judy Garland records and the Tony awards doesn't necessarily mean anything... 2.23.05 • "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." 2.21.05 • I couldn't say it if it wasn't true 2.17.05 • The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." 2.11.05 • how to lose 10 pounds in five minutes! 2.6.05 • earth to smog, earth to smog 2.5.05 • my own private chernobyl... 2.2.05 • Estoy solo, pero siento que tu estas conmigo. 1.26.05 • confessions of an obsessive freak of nature 1.5.05 • death wants more death 12.30.04 • every mikkle make a muckle (ask a Jamaican what it means) 12.17.04 • things that don't suck 12.15.04 • what's it all about, mjp? 11.11.04 • old dog, new tricks 9.2.04 • if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all 8.15.04 • Frida Kahlo, Charles Bukowski and Joel-Peter Witkin have left the building 2.13.03 • R.I.P. smog.net 5.19.04 • almost cut my hair...it happened just the other day 4.23.04 • and we're back! 4.22.04 • one cocoa full a basket 2.14.04 • let's get ready to rumble 1.24.04 • brace yourself for a shitstorm 1.6.04 • it's my party, i'll o.d. if i want to 12.6.03 • pimp-a-licious 11.27.03 • on a clear day you can see the 18th century 11.9.03 • men are from mars, women are from vegas 10.14.03 • hit and run walker 10.6.03 • It's all cow, after all 10.2.03 • Johnny Cash is dead, Tower records is bankrupt, gawd save the fucking Queen. 9.13.03 • any history of mental illness? 9.10.03 • boggle: to hesitate as if in fear or doubt. 9.6.03 • pass the aspirin 8.27.03 • this is what i get for leaving the house 7.21.03 • safety in numbers 7.13.03 • god damn 7.11.03 • a million and one stupid things... 6.6.03 • praise Jeebus! 5.23.03 • Kennedy to John Lydon; "Oh, lighten up!" 5.20.03 • they say the French are cowards and assholes... 5.2.03 • I couldn't possibly be *that* fat! 4.19.03 • what's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding? 3.22.03 • this skunk's for you 3.12.03 • Monday's coming like a jail on wheels 2.24.03 • linux, linus, lomax, duck! 2.20.03 • FREE MICHAEL JACKSON! 2.18.03 • the weather in Los Angeles is cloudy 2.13.03 ©1995-2008 mjp | Big Apple dreamin' on a wooden floor Tuesday, November 1st 2005, 2:50pm  Recently back home from a week long trip to New York city, which is all well and good, except for the record breaking, biblical-proportions rain that fell for the entire week. Seriously, it stopped raining for maybe 15 minutes while we were there. Then I came home (Carol went on to Philadelphia for a few days), and it rained here for a week.New York is an interesting place, I have always liked the layout and the ease of movement. People say that Los Angeles should learn from the mass transit systems of cities like New York, London and Paris, but I think people who say that never lived in Los Angeles. Or looked at it on a map. We have a rail/subway system, and if you're one of the three dozen people who live and work along its lines, I'll bet it's real spiffy. The other ten million people who live here pretty much try to ignore it. But it's difficult to ignore something that you're funding when you pay property, gas or sales taxes, which we all do. Even the "illegal" immigrants. In 30 or 40 years perhaps it will be widespread enough to be useful for the majority of us, but until then it's nothing more than a mysterious curiosity.  It rained so hard one of the days we were in New York that the C train had to shut down, which doomed us to finding cab rides. If you've ever done that in New York when it's raining, you know what a joy that is.Overall the trip was a good one. I think my shoes are permanently moldy from being wet for a week, but that's the price you pay to be a world traveller. Um hm. There is one thing about New York that rubs me the wrong way though, and that's the attitude of a good many of its residents toward Los Angeles. Yes, there are people around the country (and probably the world) who love to hate LA. Many of them right here in California (hello San Francisco!). The funny thing is the people who have the most disdain for our charming city usually embody the very things that they say they hate about us. We were having dinner with an old friend of Carol's who is a fashion designer in New York. Carol asked her if she ever missed LA and she said, "Oh, no...not at all! I hate LA! There's no culture there! The people are so phony and obsessed with appearance!" This from a Los Angeles native who now designs high fashion clothing that perhaps 0.001% of the population of the world could wear, much less afford.  Funny thing is, the places where I've heard the most anti-LA sentiment - New York, San Francisco, London - are full of people who are waaay more concerned with their appearance than anyone I know in Los Angeles. Ever seen anyone wearing sweat pants while they walk down a swanky New York boulevard or London row? No, no dear, they wouldn't be caught dead parading around like a common schlub! I watched a local walk down Central Park West clutching her fancy pants by the front of the legs and holding them up so her pointy, expensive heels wouldn't drag her expensive bell bottoms across the wet sidewalk. I don't know how long she walked that way, but I assume it was all the way to her destination. But New Yorkers are not consumed with their appearance. Nope.And culture? The big, famous cities are full of culture, there's no denying that. But the average New Yorker goes to the Metropolitan Museum about as often as I go to Disneyland, which is never (or when friends or family from way out of town drag us there). At the Met, the Natural History Museum, the Folk Art Museum - wherever we went - we were surrounded by other tourists. Not a New York accent for blocks.  We all want to feel superior, but honestly, the only reason a lot of people live in New York is so they can say they live in New York. Why else would anyone put up with the constant barrage of shit that is everyday life there? Unless you're very well off, NYC is a bitch. Two New Yorkers we had dinner with on separate occasions told us the same thing; "All New Yorkers do these days is go to work, come home, get carry-out and watch cable." Which, of course, you could do in Iowa... on Tuesday, November 1st 2005 at 3:41pm, melissa sue said: interesting side point, so many of the midwestern art youth love LA. They've never been there, but they cant stop talking about what a great place it is. It's like the holy land for rich suburban angst; pilgramages are made to its fabled streets where kids can be real man, real. which reminds me, I have Henry Rollins tickets for tomorrow night. WHOOP DING! on Tuesday, November 1st 2005 at 6:07pm, chosha said: My sister visited NY this year and did all the NY stuff we see on TV - watched a baseball game, ate a hotdog from a street vendor, saw a Broadway show, wandered around the Met and paid too much in a Manhattan restaurant. Sounds like great fun to me. on Tuesday, November 1st 2005 at 10:57pm, mjp said: It is great fun. Just don't go during July/August or when they're getting three inches of rain every day... on Wednesday, November 2nd 2005 at 3:47pm, Marshall said: Feel superior? Hell, I live in L.A. because I am superior. The few days I've spent in New York made me even more of a die hard Californian than I ever was. As far as I'm concerned New York is just a destination for branding and marketing excercises for creative types. on Thursday, November 3rd 2005 at 1:51pm, mjp said: Oh, come on, you just love California because your bell bottoms and pointy high heels never get wet here! on Thursday, November 3rd 2005 at 3:17pm, Marshall said: Don't make me get out my JNCO 5150s with 50" bottoms on each leg, re-surfaced entirely in small handtowels from Hello Kitty stores. Nobody wants to see that. Wet bell bottoms sure are a drag, and it's kind of sad that I know that. Good thing I live in California where that's never a problem. on Sunday, November 6th 2005 at 11:04pm, goodepeler said: Where is this "Iowa" place everyone keeps talking about? on Monday, November 7th 2005 at 12:06am, mjp said: Iowa? Somewhere around Texas. You know, those flyover states. on Monday, November 7th 2005 at 11:51am, goodespeler said: At least Texas is the biggest flyover state. :) on Saturday, November 12th 2005 at 3:47pm, carol es said: yeah, texas is big. if it wasn't so damn big, we wouldn't have to fly over it. we'd get to iowa much faster that way. on Sunday, November 13th 2005 at 5:57pm, Randall said: "interesting side point, so many of the midwestern art youth love LA. They've never been there, but they cant stop talking about what a great place it is." Yes, and speaking as one of the people in the midwest that really hates these useless, trendoid, mouthbreathers, the sooner they run away from home and have the jaded hard-asses in LA teach them what life is really about, the better. on Sunday, November 13th 2005 at 9:12pm, tbonekkt said: what's wrong with texas? on Monday, November 14th 2005 at 9:11am, melissa sue said: "...the sooner they run away from home and have the jaded hard-asses in LA teach them..." ~*~*indeed! The bus fare should be free. I'd donate to that cause. on Monday, November 14th 2005 at 11:33am, mjp said: Bus fare?! Let the sonsabitches walk to Los Angeles, like I had to, back in the pioneer days of 1984! As for Texas, the less said the better. on Monday, November 21st 2005 at 1:54pm, Brandon G said: Yes, NY, been there. Isn't trashing image lovers doing the same thing as the image lovers. People are diffrent and the same everywhere. But mostly the same. I want to special you want to be special. It sounds bad, and it is. But nothing is done, esspashaly artistic that has no ingrediant of foolish pride in it's birth. Whatever... on Monday, November 21st 2005 at 10:07pm, mjp said: What he said. on Tuesday, November 22nd 2005 at 6:33pm, maria said: i don't do the cable thing but I bet my Nikon that a take out in NYC is superior to any **** dinner in Iowa :0) I didn't catch your name but I luv your writing. on Tuesday, November 22nd 2005 at 6:36pm, maria said: I forgot to shamelessly self-promote myself. on Saturday, November 26th 2005 at 12:57pm, Hillbilly Jones said: Although I have walked down 42nd Street when it was still a river of hookers, thieves, porn stores, and live sex shows; that was in the 80s. My friend, David, bless his heart, gave oral sex to a greasy hooker that he picked up on the sidewalk on 42nd Street. Why he chose to pay money to a New York City skank to eat her pussy is beyond my abilities to think, but this is a true story I assure you. So old David, bless his heart, developed this huge, silver-dollar size raw place on the bottom of his tongue. It was like burned flesh, and ugly Oh My God. He only told me about it because the months of not telling anyone about it had taken its toll. And he was too embarrassed to go to his doctor, who had delivered him 40 years earlier. So he sat in his chair at home for months, watched porn on his big screen TV, and worried himself into a tizzy that he might have aids on the bottom of his tongue. After sitting around another year or so with the burn-like place under his tongue, he finally decided to drive to Memphis and see a new doctor. It turned out that the raw, infected flesh under his tongue had nothing to do with a skank from 42nd Street. Old David had acid reflux, and when he regurgitated his stomach acids they ate a hole in his tongue. That?s my New York story. I have many David stories, bless his dumb ass little dick. He is 5?6? tall and never heard the word ?no? until he was 25 years old, if that tells you anything. He inherited a manufacturing company, sits around smoking pot and jacking off to porn all day, and wears a goofy hat that reminds me of a Russian mafia loser. For reprints, send $19.95 (per dozen) to: Hillbilly Jones Inc., Box 1955, Booger Holler, Arkansas, 72837 smog.blog powered by buddy V2.0 |