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recent comments

mjp said: I'm, uh, working on it. Right now. ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!

shane said: michael phillips,you are a fuckin madman,post yer next story... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!

mjp said: Yes, that is a potential problem for people in 10,001. I often worry about... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this...

damian said: indeed. ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this...

Scott h Florance said: The Christians believe Jesus Christ tis immortal and he lives forever. It is... ~ Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this...

mjp said: Isn't there a NASCAR or gun or fishing or tabakky-chewing site you can go... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead

Andrew Olin Jones said: Hillbilly said you might turn off the smog but I don't want you to do that... ~ I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead

mjp said: My childhood box? I don't think anyone wants to open that... ~ Fly me to the moon, then blow that shit up!

previous ramblings

• I can see for miles, but it's kind of blurry up ahead 2.18.08

• Simple is as simple does 1.31.08

• I feel the earthworms under my feet 1.22.08

• New boots and panties 1.19.08

• I haven't given up, I've just stopped trying 12.25.07

• I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons. 12.20.07

• So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night 9.19.07

• Grab the closet case by the horns 8.11.07

• Blogged down in the forum of my youth 5.23.07

• Hotter than July 5.16.07

• 26 Miles Across the Deep Blue Sea 5.11.07

• A rose by any other name, still doesn't smell so good 4.6.07

• Children of a lesser dog from hell 2.22.07

• Squid lights 1.9.07

• Cats and dogs 12.19.06

• Mission accomplished! 11.22.06

• Various tidbits of marginal interest to anyone 11.9.06

• Buddy, can you spare a town? 10.16.06

• A garbage can is somewhat precise. 10.6.06

• Another cantankerous rant - surprise! 9.25.06

• Hey, where you been? 9.1.06

• Geeeeeeee mail, @smog.net 7.27.06

• Oh good lord, it's a kid's show 7.22.06

• Sleeping dogs 6.28.06

• Dumb and dumber 6.21.06

• HDTV for $150! 5.16.06

• Thank you for calling the White House. My name is Krishna, how may I be providing you excellent service today? 4.28.06

• Decades and bits of centuries 4.24.06

• Secret Society 3.22.06

• Sometimes I don't speak right, but yet I know what I'm talking about 3.20.06

• This is the modern world 3.15.06

• Shakespeare never did this 2.18.06

• Who is Lonnie Tolliver, and why should you care? 1.27.06

• Scuttlebutt and innuendo 1.16.06

• Beware the fury of a patient man 1.6.06

• I feel 100 pounds lighter already... 12.30.05

• Dude! Your wiki is showing... 12.20.05

• Yeti spotted, film at 11! 12.19.05

• "God is a concept by which we measure our pain." 12.9.05

• Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this... 12.8.05

• Hey, what's with the torn up clothes, and didn't you have a shag haircut last week? 12.5.05

• Shameless self-promotion or a desperate cry for love? You decide. 11.18.05

• Further proof that drinking will kill you 11.6.05

• Big Apple dreamin' on a wooden floor 11.1.05

• Happy birthday to smog. Now where's my cake? 10.16.05

• I got nothing 10.4.05

• free within my own doom 9.25.05

• A Rambling Essay on Politics and the Bleeding Life Written While Drinking a Six-Pack (Tall) 9.12.05

• (There's Gonna Be A) Showdown 8.31.05

• Well, could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then? 8.28.05

• What has four wheels and flies? 8.21.05

• Don't think twice, it's all right 8.13.05

• My ass is getting cold sitting on this glacier... 8.11.05

• Capital radio 8.11.05

• nobody's fault 7.23.05

• secret santa 7.3.05

• everything we touch turns to rust 6.21.05

• on the edge of seventeen 6.13.05

• life at 300 baud 6.9.05

• 12 steps away from the screen, running 6.5.05

• shake a leg 6.5.05

• san pedro anarchy press, Inc. 5.22.05

• Z is for zealot 5.20.05

• Lenny Bruce was right 5.16.05

• bad meat in the can 5.12.05

• it's in the water 5.12.05

• you tell me 5.10.05

• what matters most is how well you're lit 5.5.05

• just keep pulling the handle, it'll all be over soon 5.3.05

• rust never sleeps 4.24.05

• randomness, chaos and deliverance 4.21.05

• baby was a black sheep, baby was a whore 4.20.05

• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? 4.16.05

• roses are red, violets are blue, i thought my hell had ended, but the devil is a crafty bastard with a sick sense of humor and a mean streak a mile wide 4.14.05

• rock the cash bar 4.12.05

• many rivers to cross 4.10.05

• imitation is the sincerest form of unoriginality 4.8.05

• if you are the big tree, we are the small axe! 4.8.05

• give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine 4.4.05

• and who the hell figured QWERTY was a good idea? 4.4.05

• your pope was nothing compared to this guy! 4.3.05

• you've got a TV...i've got a TV...we've all got TV's... 3.29.05

• hitler painted roses 3.26.05

• counselor 3.25.05

• she's still here, damn it! 3.21.05

• patience is a virtue, but resignation is for suckers. 3.13.05

• should have taken mom up on those violin lessons... 3.9.05

• last night a dj saved my life! yeah, maaaaan! 3.9.05

• if i had a hammer... 3.8.05

• caveman re-invents the wheel! film at 11. 3.7.05

• he's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! 3.4.05

• this is a public service announcement - with guitar! 3.2.05

• battlefield girth 2.28.05

• never give a media giant an even break 2.25.05

• 10 Things I've done that you haven't 2.24.05

• come back, bastard! 2.23.05

• hey, just because he likes Judy Garland records and the Tony awards doesn't necessarily mean anything... 2.23.05

• "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." 2.21.05

• I couldn't say it if it wasn't true 2.17.05

• The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." 2.11.05

• how to lose 10 pounds in five minutes! 2.6.05

• earth to smog, earth to smog 2.5.05

• my own private chernobyl... 2.2.05

• Estoy solo, pero siento que tu estas conmigo. 1.26.05

• confessions of an obsessive freak of nature 1.5.05

• death wants more death 12.30.04

• every mikkle make a muckle (ask a Jamaican what it means) 12.17.04

• things that don't suck 12.15.04

• what's it all about, mjp? 11.11.04

• old dog, new tricks 9.2.04

• if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all 8.15.04

• Frida Kahlo, Charles Bukowski and Joel-Peter Witkin have left the building 2.13.03

• R.I.P. smog.net 5.19.04

• almost cut my hair...it happened just the other day 4.23.04

• and we're back! 4.22.04

• one cocoa full a basket 2.14.04

• let's get ready to rumble 1.24.04

• brace yourself for a shitstorm 1.6.04

• it's my party, i'll o.d. if i want to 12.6.03

• pimp-a-licious 11.27.03

• on a clear day you can see the 18th century 11.9.03

• men are from mars, women are from vegas 10.14.03

• hit and run walker 10.6.03

• It's all cow, after all 10.2.03

• Johnny Cash is dead, Tower records is bankrupt, gawd save the fucking Queen. 9.13.03

• any history of mental illness? 9.10.03

• boggle: to hesitate as if in fear or doubt. 9.6.03

• pass the aspirin 8.27.03

• this is what i get for leaving the house 7.21.03

• safety in numbers 7.13.03

• god damn 7.11.03

• a million and one stupid things... 6.6.03

• praise Jeebus! 5.23.03

• Kennedy to John Lydon; "Oh, lighten up!" 5.20.03

• they say the French are cowards and assholes... 5.2.03

• I couldn't possibly be *that* fat! 4.19.03

• what's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding? 3.22.03

• this skunk's for you 3.12.03

• Monday's coming like a jail on wheels 2.24.03

• linux, linus, lomax, duck! 2.20.03

• FREE MICHAEL JACKSON! 2.18.03

• the weather in Los Angeles is cloudy 2.13.03

©1995-2008 mjp

(There's Gonna Be A) Showdown
Wednesday, August 31st 2005, 12:17pm

So on Saturday night Carol and I went to the 80 year celebration/show for the Los Angeles Art Association/Gallery 825. These kinds of "300 people in a steaming hot room looking at some good but mostly bad art" shindigs don't really flip my switch, but all in all it wasn't bad. I can almost always get a poem or two (or one of these) out of a scene like that.

Johnny Thunders and David Johansen

But after an hour or so we'd both had it, so Carol said to some friends of hers, "Be right back..." and we headed for the car. About half a block from 825 on La Cienega there is a restaurant with an outdoor patio, and as we approached who should amble out the front door but David Johansen, ye olden tymes singer from the New York Dolls, and current bon vivant and man about town.

Carol said, "Say hello to him," so I said, "David Johansen! 1975, New York Dolls! My first live concert."

"Hey, hey!" He smiled, shaking my hand and barely remaining upright on his long, chopstick legs. He was with a companion, an equally skinny woman of indeterminate age. Perhaps it was Sable Starr, or some other 70's scenestar. "That was 30 years ago, you must be old!" And we all went, 'ha ha ha' and I figured that was it, so we kept walking. But before we could make it around the corner he said, "We're waiting for a lift, but I think they forgot about us...can you drive us a few blocks? Half a mile maybe?"

David Johansen

Well, I never have been able to say no to a 1970's rawkstar looking for a ride, so we all climbed into the Trooper and headed toward Hollywood proper. After a few wrong turns and near-fatal collisions we arrived at a two story house on Carlton Way, in the hills just above Sunset Boulevard. "Come in and have a drink," Mr. Johansen said, "meet our friends." So I angled the car up against the curb to keep it from sliding down the hill and we followed them in.

There were about a dozen people hanging around the place in varying stages of intoxication and dress, the most notable being Jack Nicholson, who was in a corner of the kitchen drinking champagne from a bottle and talking to a few young Hollywood blondes about Magic Johnson and Dennis Hopper. The blondes were smiling and nodding and giggling, but I don't think they knew who Magic Johnson or Dennis Hopper were. I lost track of Johansen, but there were a few people out on the balcony creating a ruckus, so we went out to see what was going on.

They were shooting a paintball gun at passing cars and throwing lawn darts out into the darkness and listening for the sound of broken glass or screams when they landed. Only problem with that plan was one of the cars they paintballed was a sheriff's cruiser, and a couple of unhappy looking officers jumped out and shined their flashlights up at the balcony. Not at the people with the paintball gun, mind you, but at Carol and I. From the kitchen I could hear Johansen shouting, "Come on, let's go to the Halloween costume warehouse!"

We all ran down a flight of stairs and out a patio door and got into a stretch limo that was parked on the side street. We slipped quitely by the Sheriff's car, watching the officers inside, presumably making calls for backup or a paddy wagon. There were still a couple of people inside the house, but I never followed up on what happened to them after we fled.

I thought "Halloween costume warehouse" was an underground club or something, but we pulled up in front of an actual Halloween costume warehouse on La Cienega, and went inside. After a few minutes Johansen came out of a back room in an ape suit and ran past the checkout counter and into the street. Nicholson and the blondes were standing in one of the aisles in only their underpants, trying on different wigs. I looked at Carol and she rolled her eyes and I said, "I know! What the hell?" and we went out to try to get a cab back to our car...

Okay, actually, when we saw Johansen Carol said, "Say hello to him," and I said, "Nah, what for?" and we drove home and watched Reno 911 on Tivo instead. But, you know, the other part could have happened.

on Sunday, September 4th 2005 at 5:11am, chosha said:
Okay that was just mean.

Mean.

on Friday, September 9th 2005 at 1:36am, Hillbilly Jones said:

Not knowing who Dennis Hopper is, is pathetic; and that person should be shunned and giggled at while everybody in the room points their finger at her blue velvet musty thing between her legs that Dennis Hopper would tap and ride like a super hero into the emptiness of youth.

D.H. can play the devil or a priest and provide a spacious grey area between the two, all in the same movie.

So, did you high five Nicholson just so you could say, "I once high fived Jack Nicholson"?

Hillybilly minds want to know.

on Friday, September 9th 2005 at 4:11pm, mjp said:
Well no, I didn't high five Nicholson since none of that really happened.

But I did meet him years ago on the set of "A Few Good Men," and when I did, he was talking about Magic Johnson (he had just announced he had HIV). So you see, truth, fiction, it's all a big sugary rainbow stew, ain't it?

on Friday, September 9th 2005 at 8:05pm, gary said:
"We have created our myth. The myth is a faith, a passion. It is not necessary for it to be a reality

on Sunday, September 11th 2005 at 6:19pm, Hillbilly Jones said:

Life is like an buffet at $20/person if Red Lobster married Memphis' Rendevous and threw in a deep-fried peanut butter and jelly sandwich sprinkled with powdered sugar when the ghost of Stevie Ray Vaughn is on stage whacking his porcupine with a belt he stole from Elvis.

For what do you need 8 computers in your house?

Hillbilly minds cannot imagine.

Isn't that like having 8 cars parked on your lawn?

on Wednesday, May 30th 2007 at 6:36am, rubyred said:
you bastard... i was laughing my ass off, though... it was just credible enough to be totally funny yet totally believable.

i have 2 very overdue essays to write. your posts are helping kill a lot of time.